Take your friends for example, ever tell yourself that you are bound and determined to drop the friends that treat you like crap, only to find new ones who do the exact same things to you? Only they have prettier faces, or sweeter smiles, or better clothes, it's like a wolf in sheep's clothing, the saying how..."leopards never change their spots"... and I always seem to find the relationships that are one sided, the ones that are one dimensional and are always based on the needs of others.
This is why I vowed to myself NOT to open myself up to Any friendships when I moved, because I draw myself to the center of the universe of other peoples worlds. And the first year that I moved here, was pretty torturous here. I don't fit in with "The housewives of Bentonville", and I am not a country girl, and the bottom line is that I am an eccentric person, and I can't apologize for that!
I will never change. I have been around for 30+ years. My friends that HAVE stuck around have come to either accept me or get past it, and I am who I am, what is so frustrating is that, friendship/relationships are a two way street. The more we move, the more I realize, I am better secluded to my boys. They drive me nuts, but at least they give me something in return.
I then have to ask myself, what am I giving to my friends/relationships in return? Probably a whole lot of grief, but that's because, when I feel my back's against the wall, I go into overdrive of wanting to feel this acceptance, this neediness, this callas person that I despise!
It's really all BS, I do the same thing with every relationship I have, I deliberately sabotage it, because it's easier to blame the other person then it is to find fault with myself, but the bottom line, I AM always right! (Mom, Ed, Mike...you three are the biggest ones that KNOW what I'm talkin' about)....(Sorry, there, I said it, I meant it! :)>.... )
Anyway...
this was really just a quest to search and rescue my own mind about random people circling my brain, and why I choose to allow them to rent space there. I believe my hearts in the right place, and when it's not, I feel people should be honest and forth right. Life's too short for crap. (mom, ed, mike, not talking about you here, your off the hook...)
Crap in general is crap!
In fact, I actually don't really care if I've pissed people off, because 9/10 times people are always pissing me off, and don't care about me, nor Ever apologize, and I am ALWAYS the one coming back on my hands and knees begging for people's forgiveness, and trying to change, and be the better person, and giving up my self, and so, going back to my 20-11 blog...the new me is saying, this is the year of me!
I am giving into my own person, and being the person I want to be, the person that that I know I can, and trying DAMN hard to no longer let people walk all over me.
Now, if you'll excuse, would you please step off my back, and help me up, so I can actually stand up and walk away? Thanks....
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