So, I have started my own comapany, it has been doing extremely well! I can't complain, except, with succuss, there always comes trials...
Today, I tried to go to mass, my husbad is in the RCIA prgroam and I am his sponsor, with two children this is quite difficult to have a "spiritual" experiance as you are eyeing the 3 year old as he is "slow motion" racing on the altar and ready to race in ay direction mom or dad's hands won't grab him!
All I can think is "dear God, please don't be mad at me for thinking horrible thoughts of wanting to leave right now, and yet, is there anyone in the congregation, anyone that is willing to step up and take my son for me?" I am to be in a moment of grace and all I can think about is how I want to leave becasue I am so embarressed and my eyes fill with tears, and these are NOT tears of happpiness becasue the more I look at my son with pleading in my eyes not to misbehave, he gets this glimmer of shear delight of being on the altar and takes off in a frenzy and yes...races three steps up, and around the altar to be chased by someone!
I finally turn and with a bright smile capture him and grab him close with full force, he cries "MOM, your hurting me, and I bury my head in his neck and threaten him ..."no x-box, no rock band and he's going to bed when he gets home if one more word comes out of his mouth!"
A blood curlding scream protudes as the Priests annouces the Prayer of the Faithful asking for private intentions, and at that moment, I am literally asking for the Grace of God "for patience" to not have one more mortifying moment up there with all these people.
I look to my husband and place my right hand on his shoulder, over my eldest sons hand whom at this moment is standing proudly over his father and for a brief second feel a sense of grace and pride that this is what we are doing this for....
3 year old begins to squirm and scream and I then turn to my husband who mouths its ok to leave and the director of the RCIA says something to me I am unsure of, and I gracefully walk out of the church with a screaming toddler...
I bring him to the water fountain, and my blood is starting to boil and my nerves are starting to shake, but he turns to me and says, "mama, am I being a good boy?" For a shear moment my heart just melts, and I can't answer him so I just kiss his cheeks and tell him how much I love him!
We leave and I tell my husband I will meet him later, tears are welled up in my my eyes as I am so conflicted about what to do in this moment.....
I get in the car, and my little one keeps asking for his father and why we had to leave church...sometimes, I think he really does not truly understand his actions!
I tell him how we will meet daddy and Landon later....
We do, and Mike says after we sit down for dinner..."Zachary said you told him he was a good boy,,,is that true?" I simply answer, "I did"....While his actions in church were not acceptable, he is a good boy...whats a mom to do? He has such a loving disposition, and while he literally gets on every last nerve of my body, in the same breath, he melts my heart and I am filled with love all at the same time!
Over and over I see a picture I once saw on "Pinterest" about a child being strangled by "words".... and I am trying so hard NOT to be that mom that hurts their child in such a way that will make them feel they are less than what they can be....So I stay silent, and just queitly say my prayers....
When I put him to bed he says..."mom, you are my best friend...I pray for you!"....I again start to cry about all the things I had been feeling...How at the end of the day, this sweet little boy still wants to love me!
As I kiss him good night, and say his prayers, I again ask God for the strength for a new day....
