Where have I been?

Where have I been? lost...in an abyss of myself...
Sitting on a plane to Washington DC. for my Uncle Pete's Funeral, I literally stood in line to an airport two hours away, no kids tagging along, no one waiting for me, and I stood at the desk for my valet tag, and instead of asking for one, I ask to be rerouted to Washington DC. The counter clerk clearly looks at me like I am crazy, and clearly I am, but we all know this.

He puts me on a plane and I have no idea where I am headed, Do I have time for another smoke? Another cup of Dunkin Donuts? My THIRD cup since I am in Chicago O'hare? Nope, straight on to boarding... I get there, two slots left, I am 6 on the list.. shit, the guy didn't tell me that, I stand in line, no one comes, I get off line. A lady comes up and stands in line, sure enough, she gets helped, she's on standby... A guy in a Tigers shirt, he gets a tickets...He's a premier member, asked for first class, the lady tells hm he's lucky he got on....crappers...

One spot left... I nervously go up, tell me sob story of how I was flying to Baltimore, with no one to pick me up and I have this funeral to get to so anything she can do to help would be great, she gives me a dirty look and I don't move on the list at all...

I sheepishly sip down the last of my Dunkin Donuts and figure I'll just call my cousin and have another smoke, another cup of coffee....toss the cup into can...closing boarding...people start to leave, and C Lawson is cleared for standby!

I see a little old couple, one in a wheelchair leaving, my heart sinks, I want to give up my ticket to them and realize I am only cleared because they need two!

I get on totally flustered... Stewardess asks, wheres your seat? "I don't have one"...She groans", take whats open... I excitedly look for first class... nope, keep walking, and walking...to the last seat on the back of plane, to a very flamboyant attendant who's getting a kick out of my awkwardness...

Do you know where you going? "nope"...Washington.... Dulles? I say? Nope...DC...Regan"....And where's that?" "Oh dear, good luck girl".....great I take a seat....

Frantically canceling my car reservation and trying to make a new one before the boarding door closes...and done!

I look at the seat next to me, it's the Tiger guy! Who's clearly getting a kick out of my misfortune... He mentions something about "crystal City" and suddenly it all becomes "crystal clear..." every pun intended!

Everything works out.. I get my car, a convertible! FINALLY, get a little lost finding the highway which gives me a brief view of the city...snap some photos from my car, to at least say I got to see DC and off I go to my Aunt and Uncle's in the Country!

Where the real emotions of this trip come into play are at Arlington....

Coming back to this place, it felt like I never left....

Like no time had passed since my grandparents funeral...

Except this time we were the bystanders....

I was so excited to see my Aunt Jean...and the moment I walked in, my cousins said, she's been waiting for you, but the look in their eyes, I knew was one of hope, one I knew very well.

My Aunt looked very confused. The room was solemn but there was a sense of calm. I walked over to her frail body and her glassy eyes stared back with no recognition. "aunt Jean, it's me Christy". "what a lovely name", she said. I tried desperately to connect, telling her who I was, Rosemary's daughter, Anita's Granddaughter, but nothing was making sense, she was too overwhelmed....

My heart just broke... I hugged her, told her I loved her, and in the voice I always knew, she said she loved me too...

I took my seat, a bystander now, almost feeling as though I were watching the scene from 5 years almost to the the day when I stood at the pulpit singing "Amazing Grace", barely able to find my voice.

Watching as the doors opened, and the soldiers entered....like out of a movie, not my life life happening before me, and yet here I stood again, surveying the group, almost the same crowd, different dress, hairstyles, the only ones who had really aged were the children... and yet, none of us were the same...5 years takes you a lot of different places....

I looked down at my nephew who was fiddling with a book, and wished I could return to that age, wear all I had to worry about was my collar being too tight around my neck, and wondering how long before I get some food, because I was hungry...that innocence of youth...instead of this agonizing pain I was feeling at this moment realizing this is the final moment I lost the last innocence of my own youth.

The last legacy of my youth withheld in my Aunt's eyes and memories, no longer present, stored away in the back of her mind, and it was the in that moment I became the next generation as I remember growing up, wondering when it would be, well it was happening, in this moment. My nephew had replaced the the child and I replaced the adult in my mind...and so let the next chapter of my life begin.....

My Grandparents, Visiting them after the funeral

When we got home from the funeral, I told my nieces to get in the car, I was taking the convertible out for a joy ride....my sister stood there in my "mom's way", and fought me about why it was a bad idea...it probably was, but I needed the fresh air, the open air, the ability and freedom to take in this loss.

I have a deep connection with my nieces, although lately they have become radical teenagers aggravating the shit out of me, I needed them with me. It was a selfish need, but I didn't want to be alone, I needed to hear youthful laughter, and they have a way of keeping things light and fun. I needed fun.

We set off into the night, and what they didn't know is I had no agenda. I got lost on purpose! It's something I like to do when I need to clear my head. So we took a long ride through the country mountains of VA, in a convertible....

Totally untouched photo...no photo shop, this was how beautiful it looked as we drove...

At moments toward the end it got a bit unnerving so I rolled up the windows, as the trees hung over and the top still down, we narrow tiny gravel drive, my girls reminded 1. I didn't have my jeep, and 2. the top was still down, which didn't stop someone from coming in and snatching someone out from the trees... um....I guess I didn't think I that...

So I blasted the heat, kept the windows up, turned up the music, found the highway, and one of my nieces said....wouldn't it be funny if you didn't realize I wasn't in the car, cause you know I always play tricks on you, but really I fell out of the back or something? WE laughed, then got to thinking....maybe the dark convertible ride wasn't the greatest idea...but it sure was fun!!!

I knew she couldn't fall out, Because when she tried to jump out "dukes of hazards style" it took her 3 tries before she gave up and opened the door... gotta love her!!!

So while I came home somber, and sad, and yet I had my good moments, a piece of myself hasn't come back from this trip.

I am still struggling with the placement of where I need to be as an adult, the little girl is gone, the 20-something youthfulness is gone, and the adult is left standing here wondering what to do next.....

I think I have been living so much in the past and hoping for a better future that I forget how to make that future happen, and now I need to wake up and face my own reality.

The reality of the day I am living in, the present I have, and the presence of mind I have before it slips away.....

One day at a time....

So, I have started my own comapany, it has been doing extremely well! I can't complain, except, with succuss, there always comes trials...


Today, I tried to go to mass, my husbad is in the RCIA prgroam and I am his sponsor, with two children this is quite difficult to have a "spiritual" experiance as you are eyeing the 3 year old as he is "slow motion" racing on the altar and ready to race in ay direction mom or dad's hands won't grab him! 


All I can think is "dear God, please don't be mad at me for thinking horrible thoughts of wanting to leave right now, and yet, is there anyone in the congregation, anyone that is willing to step up and take my son for me?" I am to be in a moment of grace and all I can think about is how I want to leave becasue I am so embarressed and my eyes fill with tears, and these are NOT tears of happpiness becasue the more I look at my son with pleading in my eyes not to misbehave, he gets this glimmer of shear delight of being on the altar and takes off in a frenzy and yes...races three steps up, and around the altar to be chased by someone!


I finally turn and with a bright smile capture him and grab him close with full force, he cries "MOM, your hurting me, and I bury my head in his neck and threaten him ..."no x-box, no rock band and he's going to bed when he gets home if one more word comes out of his mouth!"


A blood curlding scream protudes as the Priests annouces the Prayer of the Faithful asking for private intentions, and at that moment, I am literally asking for the Grace of God "for patience" to not have one more mortifying moment up there with all these people.


I look to my husband and place my right hand on his shoulder, over my eldest sons hand whom at this moment is standing proudly over his father and for a brief second feel a sense of grace and pride that this is what we are doing this for....


3 year old begins to squirm and scream and I then turn to my husband who mouths its ok to leave and the director of the RCIA says something to me I am unsure of, and I gracefully walk out of the church with a screaming toddler...


I bring him to the water fountain, and my blood is starting to boil and my nerves are starting to shake,  but he turns to me and says, "mama, am I being a good boy?" For a shear moment my heart just melts, and I can't answer him so I just kiss his cheeks and tell him how much I love him!


We leave and I tell my husband I will meet him later, tears are welled up in my my eyes as I am so conflicted about what to do in this moment.....


I get in the car, and my little one keeps asking for his father and why we had to leave church...sometimes, I think he really does not truly understand his actions!


I tell him how we will meet daddy and Landon later....


We do, and Mike says after we sit down for dinner..."Zachary said you told him he was a good boy,,,is that true?" I simply answer, "I did"....While his actions in church were not acceptable, he is a good boy...whats a mom to do? He has such a loving disposition, and while he literally gets on every last nerve of my body, in the same breath, he melts my heart and I am filled with love all at the same time! 


Over and over I see a picture I once saw on "Pinterest" about a child being strangled by "words".... and I am trying so hard NOT to be that mom that hurts their child in such a way that will make them feel they are less than what they can be....So I stay silent, and just queitly say my prayers....


When I put him to bed he says..."mom, you are my best friend...I pray for you!"....I again start to cry about all the things I had been feeling...How at the end of the day, this sweet little boy still wants to love me!


As I kiss him good night, and say his prayers, I again ask God for the strength for a new day....