Sitting on a plane to Washington DC. for my Uncle Pete's Funeral, I literally stood in line to an airport two hours away, no kids tagging along, no one waiting for me, and I stood at the desk for my valet tag, and instead of asking for one, I ask to be rerouted to Washington DC. The counter clerk clearly looks at me like I am crazy, and clearly I am, but we all know this.
He puts me on a plane and I have no idea where I am headed, Do I have time for another smoke? Another cup of Dunkin Donuts? My THIRD cup since I am in Chicago O'hare? Nope, straight on to boarding... I get there, two slots left, I am 6 on the list.. shit, the guy didn't tell me that, I stand in line, no one comes, I get off line. A lady comes up and stands in line, sure enough, she gets helped, she's on standby... A guy in a Tigers shirt, he gets a tickets...He's a premier member, asked for first class, the lady tells hm he's lucky he got on....crappers...
One spot left... I nervously go up, tell me sob story of how I was flying to Baltimore, with no one to pick me up and I have this funeral to get to so anything she can do to help would be great, she gives me a dirty look and I don't move on the list at all...
I sheepishly sip down the last of my Dunkin Donuts and figure I'll just call my cousin and have another smoke, another cup of coffee....toss the cup into can...closing boarding...people start to leave, and C Lawson is cleared for standby!
I see a little old couple, one in a wheelchair leaving, my heart sinks, I want to give up my ticket to them and realize I am only cleared because they need two!
I get on totally flustered... Stewardess asks, wheres your seat? "I don't have one"...She groans", take whats open... I excitedly look for first class... nope, keep walking, and walking...to the last seat on the back of plane, to a very flamboyant attendant who's getting a kick out of my awkwardness...
Do you know where you going? "nope"...Washington.... Dulles? I say? Nope...DC...Regan"....And where's that?" "Oh dear, good luck girl".....great I take a seat....
Frantically canceling my car reservation and trying to make a new one before the boarding door closes...and done!
I look at the seat next to me, it's the Tiger guy! Who's clearly getting a kick out of my misfortune... He mentions something about "crystal City" and suddenly it all becomes "crystal clear..." every pun intended!
Everything works out.. I get my car, a convertible! FINALLY, get a little lost finding the highway which gives me a brief view of the city...snap some photos from my car, to at least say I got to see DC and off I go to my Aunt and Uncle's in the Country!
Where the real emotions of this trip come into play are at Arlington....
Coming back to this place, it felt like I never left....
Like no time had passed since my grandparents funeral...
Except this time we were the bystanders....
I was so excited to see my Aunt Jean...and the moment I walked in, my cousins said, she's been waiting for you, but the look in their eyes, I knew was one of hope, one I knew very well.
My Aunt looked very confused. The room was solemn but there was a sense of calm. I walked over to her frail body and her glassy eyes stared back with no recognition. "aunt Jean, it's me Christy". "what a lovely name", she said. I tried desperately to connect, telling her who I was, Rosemary's daughter, Anita's Granddaughter, but nothing was making sense, she was too overwhelmed....
My heart just broke... I hugged her, told her I loved her, and in the voice I always knew, she said she loved me too...
I took my seat, a bystander now, almost feeling as though I were watching the scene from 5 years almost to the the day when I stood at the pulpit singing "Amazing Grace", barely able to find my voice.
Watching as the doors opened, and the soldiers entered....like out of a movie, not my life life happening before me, and yet here I stood again, surveying the group, almost the same crowd, different dress, hairstyles, the only ones who had really aged were the children... and yet, none of us were the same...5 years takes you a lot of different places....I looked down at my nephew who was fiddling with a book, and wished I could return to that age, wear all I had to worry about was my collar being too tight around my neck, and wondering how long before I get some food, because I was hungry...that innocence of youth...instead of this agonizing pain I was feeling at this moment realizing this is the final moment I lost the last innocence of my own youth.
The last legacy of my youth withheld in my Aunt's eyes and memories, no longer present, stored away in the back of her mind, and it was the in that moment I became the next generation as I remember growing up, wondering when it would be, well it was happening, in this moment. My nephew had replaced the the child and I replaced the adult in my mind...and so let the next chapter of my life begin.....
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| My Grandparents, Visiting them after the funeral |
When we got home from the funeral, I told my nieces to get in the car, I was taking the convertible out for a joy ride....my sister stood there in my "mom's way", and fought me about why it was a bad idea...it probably was, but I needed the fresh air, the open air, the ability and freedom to take in this loss.
I have a deep connection with my nieces, although lately they have become radical teenagers aggravating the shit out of me, I needed them with me. It was a selfish need, but I didn't want to be alone, I needed to hear youthful laughter, and they have a way of keeping things light and fun. I needed fun.
We set off into the night, and what they didn't know is I had no agenda. I got lost on purpose! It's something I like to do when I need to clear my head. So we took a long ride through the country mountains of VA, in a convertible....
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| Totally untouched photo...no photo shop, this was how beautiful it looked as we drove... |
So I blasted the heat, kept the windows up, turned up the music, found the highway, and one of my nieces said....wouldn't it be funny if you didn't realize I wasn't in the car, cause you know I always play tricks on you, but really I fell out of the back or something? WE laughed, then got to thinking....maybe the dark convertible ride wasn't the greatest idea...but it sure was fun!!!
I knew she couldn't fall out, Because when she tried to jump out "dukes of hazards style" it took her 3 tries before she gave up and opened the door... gotta love her!!!
So while I came home somber, and sad, and yet I had my good moments, a piece of myself hasn't come back from this trip.
I am still struggling with the placement of where I need to be as an adult, the little girl is gone, the 20-something youthfulness is gone, and the adult is left standing here wondering what to do next.....
I think I have been living so much in the past and hoping for a better future that I forget how to make that future happen, and now I need to wake up and face my own reality.
The reality of the day I am living in, the present I have, and the presence of mind I have before it slips away.....
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