LTC...my new BABY.

It is my new goal to try and write as much as I can, when I can. No promises here guys. So I am on the hunt for a new studio location. And it is going. well.. IT'S GOING!!!!!!!!

So, I ran into a guy, who knew a guy...

Hey, you wanted the full story here! Bada bing...

I mean c'mon. And by the second day, he says to me, "you don't want a partnership" you don't trust people" is it that easy to read me or is this guy a load of crap? No...it's that easy to read me. Lately, I just tell it like it is, I don't put up with crap. I said, what did I do wrong...hehehe...know full well, exactly what what I did and said, but, he replies, "nothing", I'm good at reading people. 

Great, glad we got the bullshit out of the way. The bottom line is that I don't want to get washed up in someone else's "brand" and with a guy selling musical instruments, I was afraid of exactly that. So while the idea was enticing, I had to walk away, and let him find his college students for hire and let him pay them $10. an hour to teach out of his store. I don't mind his ideas, and I don't mind if he stole some of mind. I closely kept guarded the idea of "how it will all work"!!!!

Sometimes playing the fool works to my advantage.

Like take the idea of buying a car for example. I walk in every time and these sales guys think..."easy prey", what they don't know is my brother sold cars for years, my husband is a sale's guy, AND I have done my research on the car. So I have three rounds of ammunition in my pocket to protect my finances.

I will not be taken for sticker price, and when I walk out, I know I will be getting the best deal, I am patient, I WILL come back three times if it means I want the bottom line price. Mike say's I should open a "was", "now" store, you know like a it was $100, "now it's $50. I would make a fortune from people like me, Bargain hunters. unfortunately, these stores already exist in the masses... T.j Maxx, Marshall's, Home Goods... AND I LOVE THEM!!!!!

So, final thought for the day, I am still on the hunt for a studio, I am still on the hunt for new students so I can get a new studio. So I am excepting donations :)

Also, if you mention this blog you get a free first lesson! 

How's that for advertising!

The Dark Side within Ourself....

What I love most about this photo is the small details... a window of perhaps a garage once long ago, to a building left in decay, now refurbished...and this area left as a grotto for onlookers like me to stop and stare....

What's more intriguing is the greenery, the earth encompassing the stone, as if letting the materials made by man, mark it's territory...Literally.

And there I stand, caught in moment, which to the onlooker could mean so many things, but in my head, at the moment could have been, "Crap, my leg itches, hence me grabbing my skirt,"... or "wait, don't take the picture yet, I have the sun in my eyes...".... but to the lens you see an ethereal moment... like so many do....and that my friends it what makes the "window" to the soul so exhilarating!

I have found these "little windows" all throughout NWA...and I have found to learn to love it... Yes, I finally said it... shh..... don't tell my secret... I might be outed as a traitor! :)

The saying goes that you adapt to your surroundings eventually, and I have fought... and I am not sure when the moment came, but yes, my friends, it came.... on my quest to find everything wrong with this place, I started to find the good....

NOW...don't get me wrong... I am still the waverly traveler... still out and about on my city vacations, still getting into trouble along the way and wrecking havoc on every person along the way... it's what I do... but at the end of the day, I look forward to coming home to my little small town, my little cow pastures, my little security.....

At what point did it all change? I can't say for sure....

I guess when you spend so much energy fighting something you either throw in the the towel and except defeat, or find a way to make it work in your favor....

I found that way... I got involved with my children's school's, Charity event's, beefed up my business accounts, and most of all, decided to let go and have fun....

Along the way I made a few enemies, and great friends. Life would be boring if I didn't make both right? And most importantly, I wouldn't be true to myself. 

My husband has tried for 15 years to try and convince me I can't change the world, I guess one day I woke up and realized, he's right, but I can sure make it pretty! And I can always try... either you are with me or against me, and well, I apologize to those that can't handle the ride.....

I know I am a handful. I get that I am quirky, and demanding, crazy, and downright different, but as a very dear friend said to me recently...those that know and truly love me...know that this is "normal"...and anything else would be "weird"....

For Christmas my niece gave this to me....

It's a quote from Dr. Seuss. I think it's very fitting. It reminds me that no matter what... I need to be myself... I have been in my own skin for 30+ years, and I need to take ownership of that.

God gave me the Grace and gift to have my feet hit the sand...where I choose to place my feet and how I choose to leave my footprints, are the path I choose.....

So, here I am, taking ownership of my mistakes, looking forward to a future of the time I have here in the Ozarks, missing very much the City, but knowing, it's just a plane ride away....

Social Media Blah Blah

Everything is about the internet these days...if I want to order a pizza..."go to our website"!

P.F Changs even has internet dinner...just pick it up!!!!

I mean on some levels it's very easy...just click and it's done, on other levels, it's like we have taken out the middle man all together! In some ways I miss talking, no wait...screaming at the automatic voice on the phone that repeatedly asks "What can I help you you with"?

"Do you want to make a payment?"

Not sure how "Customer Service and Payment" sound the same, but I am sure there is someone on the line that messes with people and over and over plays the same digital recording just to piss people off. But at least there was a breathing person at the end of the line...

Have you ever just talked to some of the people you finally get after being on hold for like an hour? Like asked how their day was going ? How the weather was where they are? Shocked that people aren't screaming at them....Well no...I just got all my anger out on the automated lady......Breathing people with a pulse, react to kindness.....

So where am I going with all this? I am trying to raise money for my company and everyone tells me to go online...Social Media is the place to be... Blah, Blah, Blah....

I want to sit down and tell someone my ideas... have them feel the excitement and thrill of what we as a company are about to do. I want that human connection...Can you feel it with me?

Ok, so back to the keyboard...blah blah....I have my campaign on indiegogo, and it would be great if you could just give it a look.....



...and in case anyone hasn't told you...YES YOU reading this....have a great day, because you deserve it...........

Where have I been?

Where have I been? lost...in an abyss of myself...
Sitting on a plane to Washington DC. for my Uncle Pete's Funeral, I literally stood in line to an airport two hours away, no kids tagging along, no one waiting for me, and I stood at the desk for my valet tag, and instead of asking for one, I ask to be rerouted to Washington DC. The counter clerk clearly looks at me like I am crazy, and clearly I am, but we all know this.

He puts me on a plane and I have no idea where I am headed, Do I have time for another smoke? Another cup of Dunkin Donuts? My THIRD cup since I am in Chicago O'hare? Nope, straight on to boarding... I get there, two slots left, I am 6 on the list.. shit, the guy didn't tell me that, I stand in line, no one comes, I get off line. A lady comes up and stands in line, sure enough, she gets helped, she's on standby... A guy in a Tigers shirt, he gets a tickets...He's a premier member, asked for first class, the lady tells hm he's lucky he got on....crappers...

One spot left... I nervously go up, tell me sob story of how I was flying to Baltimore, with no one to pick me up and I have this funeral to get to so anything she can do to help would be great, she gives me a dirty look and I don't move on the list at all...

I sheepishly sip down the last of my Dunkin Donuts and figure I'll just call my cousin and have another smoke, another cup of coffee....toss the cup into can...closing boarding...people start to leave, and C Lawson is cleared for standby!

I see a little old couple, one in a wheelchair leaving, my heart sinks, I want to give up my ticket to them and realize I am only cleared because they need two!

I get on totally flustered... Stewardess asks, wheres your seat? "I don't have one"...She groans", take whats open... I excitedly look for first class... nope, keep walking, and walking...to the last seat on the back of plane, to a very flamboyant attendant who's getting a kick out of my awkwardness...

Do you know where you going? "nope"...Washington.... Dulles? I say? Nope...DC...Regan"....And where's that?" "Oh dear, good luck girl".....great I take a seat....

Frantically canceling my car reservation and trying to make a new one before the boarding door closes...and done!

I look at the seat next to me, it's the Tiger guy! Who's clearly getting a kick out of my misfortune... He mentions something about "crystal City" and suddenly it all becomes "crystal clear..." every pun intended!

Everything works out.. I get my car, a convertible! FINALLY, get a little lost finding the highway which gives me a brief view of the city...snap some photos from my car, to at least say I got to see DC and off I go to my Aunt and Uncle's in the Country!

Where the real emotions of this trip come into play are at Arlington....

Coming back to this place, it felt like I never left....

Like no time had passed since my grandparents funeral...

Except this time we were the bystanders....

I was so excited to see my Aunt Jean...and the moment I walked in, my cousins said, she's been waiting for you, but the look in their eyes, I knew was one of hope, one I knew very well.

My Aunt looked very confused. The room was solemn but there was a sense of calm. I walked over to her frail body and her glassy eyes stared back with no recognition. "aunt Jean, it's me Christy". "what a lovely name", she said. I tried desperately to connect, telling her who I was, Rosemary's daughter, Anita's Granddaughter, but nothing was making sense, she was too overwhelmed....

My heart just broke... I hugged her, told her I loved her, and in the voice I always knew, she said she loved me too...

I took my seat, a bystander now, almost feeling as though I were watching the scene from 5 years almost to the the day when I stood at the pulpit singing "Amazing Grace", barely able to find my voice.

Watching as the doors opened, and the soldiers entered....like out of a movie, not my life life happening before me, and yet here I stood again, surveying the group, almost the same crowd, different dress, hairstyles, the only ones who had really aged were the children... and yet, none of us were the same...5 years takes you a lot of different places....

I looked down at my nephew who was fiddling with a book, and wished I could return to that age, wear all I had to worry about was my collar being too tight around my neck, and wondering how long before I get some food, because I was hungry...that innocence of youth...instead of this agonizing pain I was feeling at this moment realizing this is the final moment I lost the last innocence of my own youth.

The last legacy of my youth withheld in my Aunt's eyes and memories, no longer present, stored away in the back of her mind, and it was the in that moment I became the next generation as I remember growing up, wondering when it would be, well it was happening, in this moment. My nephew had replaced the the child and I replaced the adult in my mind...and so let the next chapter of my life begin.....

My Grandparents, Visiting them after the funeral

When we got home from the funeral, I told my nieces to get in the car, I was taking the convertible out for a joy ride....my sister stood there in my "mom's way", and fought me about why it was a bad idea...it probably was, but I needed the fresh air, the open air, the ability and freedom to take in this loss.

I have a deep connection with my nieces, although lately they have become radical teenagers aggravating the shit out of me, I needed them with me. It was a selfish need, but I didn't want to be alone, I needed to hear youthful laughter, and they have a way of keeping things light and fun. I needed fun.

We set off into the night, and what they didn't know is I had no agenda. I got lost on purpose! It's something I like to do when I need to clear my head. So we took a long ride through the country mountains of VA, in a convertible....

Totally untouched photo...no photo shop, this was how beautiful it looked as we drove...

At moments toward the end it got a bit unnerving so I rolled up the windows, as the trees hung over and the top still down, we narrow tiny gravel drive, my girls reminded 1. I didn't have my jeep, and 2. the top was still down, which didn't stop someone from coming in and snatching someone out from the trees... um....I guess I didn't think I that...

So I blasted the heat, kept the windows up, turned up the music, found the highway, and one of my nieces said....wouldn't it be funny if you didn't realize I wasn't in the car, cause you know I always play tricks on you, but really I fell out of the back or something? WE laughed, then got to thinking....maybe the dark convertible ride wasn't the greatest idea...but it sure was fun!!!

I knew she couldn't fall out, Because when she tried to jump out "dukes of hazards style" it took her 3 tries before she gave up and opened the door... gotta love her!!!

So while I came home somber, and sad, and yet I had my good moments, a piece of myself hasn't come back from this trip.

I am still struggling with the placement of where I need to be as an adult, the little girl is gone, the 20-something youthfulness is gone, and the adult is left standing here wondering what to do next.....

I think I have been living so much in the past and hoping for a better future that I forget how to make that future happen, and now I need to wake up and face my own reality.

The reality of the day I am living in, the present I have, and the presence of mind I have before it slips away.....

One day at a time....

So, I have started my own comapany, it has been doing extremely well! I can't complain, except, with succuss, there always comes trials...


Today, I tried to go to mass, my husbad is in the RCIA prgroam and I am his sponsor, with two children this is quite difficult to have a "spiritual" experiance as you are eyeing the 3 year old as he is "slow motion" racing on the altar and ready to race in ay direction mom or dad's hands won't grab him! 


All I can think is "dear God, please don't be mad at me for thinking horrible thoughts of wanting to leave right now, and yet, is there anyone in the congregation, anyone that is willing to step up and take my son for me?" I am to be in a moment of grace and all I can think about is how I want to leave becasue I am so embarressed and my eyes fill with tears, and these are NOT tears of happpiness becasue the more I look at my son with pleading in my eyes not to misbehave, he gets this glimmer of shear delight of being on the altar and takes off in a frenzy and yes...races three steps up, and around the altar to be chased by someone!


I finally turn and with a bright smile capture him and grab him close with full force, he cries "MOM, your hurting me, and I bury my head in his neck and threaten him ..."no x-box, no rock band and he's going to bed when he gets home if one more word comes out of his mouth!"


A blood curlding scream protudes as the Priests annouces the Prayer of the Faithful asking for private intentions, and at that moment, I am literally asking for the Grace of God "for patience" to not have one more mortifying moment up there with all these people.


I look to my husband and place my right hand on his shoulder, over my eldest sons hand whom at this moment is standing proudly over his father and for a brief second feel a sense of grace and pride that this is what we are doing this for....


3 year old begins to squirm and scream and I then turn to my husband who mouths its ok to leave and the director of the RCIA says something to me I am unsure of, and I gracefully walk out of the church with a screaming toddler...


I bring him to the water fountain, and my blood is starting to boil and my nerves are starting to shake,  but he turns to me and says, "mama, am I being a good boy?" For a shear moment my heart just melts, and I can't answer him so I just kiss his cheeks and tell him how much I love him!


We leave and I tell my husband I will meet him later, tears are welled up in my my eyes as I am so conflicted about what to do in this moment.....


I get in the car, and my little one keeps asking for his father and why we had to leave church...sometimes, I think he really does not truly understand his actions!


I tell him how we will meet daddy and Landon later....


We do, and Mike says after we sit down for dinner..."Zachary said you told him he was a good boy,,,is that true?" I simply answer, "I did"....While his actions in church were not acceptable, he is a good boy...whats a mom to do? He has such a loving disposition, and while he literally gets on every last nerve of my body, in the same breath, he melts my heart and I am filled with love all at the same time! 


Over and over I see a picture I once saw on "Pinterest" about a child being strangled by "words".... and I am trying so hard NOT to be that mom that hurts their child in such a way that will make them feel they are less than what they can be....So I stay silent, and just queitly say my prayers....


When I put him to bed he says..."mom, you are my best friend...I pray for you!"....I again start to cry about all the things I had been feeling...How at the end of the day, this sweet little boy still wants to love me!


As I kiss him good night, and say his prayers, I again ask God for the strength for a new day....

My life in the garbage...

Baby pictures, my first play I ever wrote, The first essay I ever wrote on a dot-matrix computer about my grandfather, it was entitled "Manny & the Great Depression", trinkets, letters, cards, Newspaper articles of every show I had ever done in every state I lived in, Achievement awards for my teaching degree, Letters of recommendation, pictures of my sister's First Communion in front our our house in Florida before there was even a neighborhood, Legal Documents, Love letters, parking tickets from our first "real date"... tickets from my son's first movie, a book my mom gave me when I first became a mom, magazine's that highlighted articles of my grandfather, my very dear friend's "funeral program"...., The first evaluation I received as a teacher, written by this very dear friend that passed away....

The list goes on.....It was my life, and it was buried, but not by my own doing....it was mistakenly thrown away. And for the past 48 hours I felt like I have grieved my own death.

~

~

In fact, the harder I try, the more easier it is to forget the things contained in that bag, for it has now been another 24 hours since the last sentence, and I understand the 5 stages of grief, I feel numb now....

There was a red folder, from Cardinal Gibbons, (which I find so funny, as I nor did, any of my family go there...so why I had the folder is beyond me....) but it contained the aforementioned story I had written about my Grandfather when I was in 5th grade. A story about his life during the "Great Depression", and how things were simple, easy and well....routine.

I had started to blog this story, I don't know if I had ever finished writing it down, I remember how tired I was that night, and thought I would finish writing it later, I now have to check, if so, part of that 23 year old paper is archived....

Again in that folder was a ribbon I had received for a project I had done for "science fair", I know I had won, and for the life of me, can't remember for what, I did it three years in a row, but all I know is, the ribbon I had finally received!

I had also saved a magazine from the first school of performing arts I had ever reviewed, and with that, the application I never got to send. My Father had fallen ill with cancer that year and I chose to apply for a scholarship to a local university so I could be home with my mom and dad while he went through a difficult time. It was a reminder to me not to ever lose sight of my dreams, and passion. That my life may not be on the path I always dreamed of, but I am still doing things that would make that "little girl" inside so proud.

That folder also contained my first play I had ever written....it was on a dot-matrix printer.... similarly, because of the old computer system, I didn't know how to save anything, so I used it as a type writer.....write..print...delete.....

It was a fantastic story of a girl going through life's little challenges as her sister is off to her "wedded bliss" and her brother goes to college....she's left at the roost, and in the end, finds her own true love, her own true happiness... ~ Mind you, I don't remember how old I was exactly when I wrote this, but even then I was a big dreamer, the girl getting the guy, finding true love... It also was the first time I realized I dream in fiction....that my life is one big story...every day a new chapter....every moment the next page...what plot twist will be revealed? What new hardship will be encountered? What achievements will be celebrated? What joyous occasion will be forever cherished.......

So I knew then, I was going to be in the theatre, film....whatever, but at that point, my name was going to be in lights....

I have come to the point in my life where I have seen my name in lights...it may not have been over "Broadway", or "Hollywood Blvd.", but it was there.....

It was also there every time I looked into the eyes of a student that thanked me for helping to develop their own talents, or pull out the part of them hidden so deep they felt they had nothing to share (only to find this great buried gift within themselves).... I felt the warmth of the lights every time I hugged a child in desperate need, or for no reason at all.....Those are the lights that Broadway can't ever give me, and yet these things were all reminders to me in that little red folder I held onto for all my life....

I suppose this "purging" of things...the cards, the letters...the first note my husband ever wrote to me...were all just "things".....despite the papers that were legally important....

The documents of my son's "school abuse" case against his

pre-school teacher....Moving documents, birth certificates, bank account information...BLANK CHECKS!! (gasp)....

while my husband said that the book on my son was the best thing that was thrown away, I have to disagree, I didn't keep it as a reminder, but as proof, It was all we had, and should the situation ever arise again, I wanted to be armed...ready...but I can't now...and maybe in some way...it's God's way of finally telling me to "let it go"...

I have felt that when you come to this point in your life...

"your enlightenment"...as a catholic we believe this is your moment of clarity...the moments of when your "heaven" is awaiting you.... I am hoping for my children's sake, it isn't, I am hoping it is a wake up call...

I feel my journey is not yet complete, that I have more work to do, but I guess it's not for me to decide...it's all part of God's plan...so I have to trust, and put my faith in the fact that this lesson, as hard as it was to learn, is a lesson on humility, and simplicity....kind of like that paper I wrote those many years ago....

With the good things that were tossed...my baby pictures..pictures of my sister's first communion....pictures of my family in our first home....me...graduating High School...pictures from High School...my trip to New York with my "Bin" and brother...my first child's birth, our first football game...my little "Alina"...my grandparents....

also, were tossed the bad....pictures of New york... (we got robbed), the paper I wrote about my own experience of being raped for my psychology class in college, the documentation of my son and his "horrible experience", cards from people I probably should've gotten rid of years ago...(no not ex-boyfriends.... :)....

And then there were the things that served as accomplishments...Newspaper articles written about me, Brochures that I was featured in for our old school in Florida...Newspapers with all the info. for shows I had done.... ALL the PROGRAMS of every show I had done!!!!

...two night ago, out of anger and rage, I emptied out my closets, drawers..."purged" myself even further of things I needed to get rid of but just couldn't...this "ripping off the band-aid" effect allowed me to to cleanse....despite the fact that I wasn't ready nor even in the frame of mind to do so....

And while the items that are lost, are lost forever....and can NEVER be replaced, as the bag had a "priceless" value tag on it... and no matter how hard I pleaded with the waste management company to let me go to the site and dig through the bags...I got nowhere... I guess I really do live in a movie..I totally thought I was going to do this...that they'd let me...Maybe it would make for a great "lifetime" story....

So....Mike....I forgive you...I am sorry it had to be in this venue...and I will tell you in person...but I had to get it all out before I can finally say those last words...because the pain was so deep, that if I didn't finally come out with what I really wanted to say, then It would have all been for nothing...and the lesson never learned, and then this truly would have been my obituary....

I must say...while I am still sad and cry from time to time, for this loss was so great, it made me realize that in the end, it's good to toss your life in the garbage...it keeps the blood flowing and brings life back into your veins that were lacking oxygen because of all the "stuff" clogging it....

It made me see, that my little world is not as bad as it seems and so many others out there are suffering through worse things than I am at the moment....and for today...since this "page" is good, I will help them, until the next storm is written into our chapter.....

"This is where the healing begins...this is where the healing starts, when you come to where you're broken within, the light meets the dark...." ~ Tenth Ave North

It's been too long....

I promise in the "New Year" not to make resolutions or promises I can't keep. For so long I boycotted giving in to this new life here in this desolate area...then through all the betrayal, rejection, hurt and tears, something magical happened...I WOKE UP! I came out a stronger woman, stronger than I ever thought I could be. I have survived so much loss and tragedy in my life but nothing stings like the kind where you put your trust and heart in places you know will get ripped apart, only to be right!

In the end, when I made the choice to face my fears, and come out on the other side for the sake of my family, I let the revenge, the hurt and the animosity go, a wonderful thing happened....I truly found out what kind of woman God intended me to be. I was about to make my own dreams come true, and for the first time find out what it's like to finally cross off that "goal list", the idea was to have it done by a certain time...well...life happens, and when I gave up on the "time" and focused on "goal", I realized it didn't matter when it happened, all that mattered, was that it did!

The most valuable lesson that sunk in this year from after seeing the "Polar Express" for the gazillionth time (as this is my boys favorite movie), and the concept, is that anything is possible..."if you just believe"! So I began to believe in myself which is something I have been working on for years, and the moment it finally happened, I could literally see God's miracles at hand.....

It's a plan, not a promise, but an idea to write about these experiences so others will hopefully learn from mistakes my mistakes and figure out how to find their inner strength so they (you) too may start crossing off things from that list.....

OK...kids up....signing off for now~

Blah, Blah, Blah

Yup, Another day where one of those blogs means nothing.

My husband thinks I don't read his blog, I do, I catch up, he also doesn't realize I live in his world, so what he writes about, I pretty much live! So let's see my point of view...He's got 2160 followers, I have a merely 900, pails in comparison I know, I suck, but maybe because I'm just a stay a home mom and he's just this big-wig executive with almost 500 FB friends and I barely top out out at 200. I realize again this is not a popularity contest, just an outlet to a means of communication to my humdrum life!

~ Easter: Went nicely: had friends over, kids did an Easter egg hunt from the "Easter Bunny", inside the house as it was raining outside! Landon got his hand stuck in a door due to a game of "hide and go seek", nothings broken! THANK GOD!!!

~ It's been raining for 3 days, had a tornado scare on Friday..talk about nerves unending...Landon sat in the closet and said "I think I'm gonna start crying" as the tears were streaming down his face! My heart was breaking as I calmly tried to comfort him and let him know it was going to be ok! Deep down inside, I had no idea, I was so scared myself! My heart was fluttering!

~ I am not fond of living here, these storms are crazy, being glued to the television in the hopes that this storm won't turn into a tornado, I mean how do people live like this? I would take Florida and their Hurricanes ANY DAY! At least we had a day worth of preparation, it was the same amount of time spent in a safe room, but at least we knew when the eye of the storm was hitting and when it was gone...HERE it just COMES and GOES whenever the atmosphere changes, its frustrating and very scary!!!!!!

~We got up this morning and got ready for school despite the storms, I was determined on getting to the gym, so, we are getting to the car, and Landon says, "I am so tired, and my arm hurts",..."Oh Brother", so we spend the next 10 minutes negotiating as to the pros and cons of him going to school with a sprained hand and what will happen if he gets tired and sick and so he decided it is better, "he stays home to rest like the doctor told him"! Smart Kid!!!

We spend the rest of the day coloring, playing trouble and Candy Land, and watching movies, and it turned out to be a great day!

~I found out my "Soaps" got canceled! I know this means nothing to most of you, but to me, this means the world! It's like the end of my life! I remember my mom taping episodes of these soaps and then my grandmother NEVER missing a DAY of these soap operas! and to know now they are going off the air is like...well...my grandmother past away in 2007, and my sister and mom boycotted these soaps, but I kept watching because it was our "thing". She would get Soap Opera digest for us and pass it through my sister and I to make sure we were current! Now to know there will be no more soaps,, no more Soap Opera Digest! I mean, seriously, whats a stay at home mom to do??!!??!!! DVR the FOOD NETWORK? I am feeling all sorts of loss all over again! :>(

So, I will leave you with these parting words, shame on ABC!!! LOL!!!

I guess its General Hospital and the "mock mob" show for now!

B-O-R-I_N_G!!!!!

Ok, that's all I got for now...

Over and out....

Except that I DVR'd "Chuck" and I love that show, and since the kids are sleeping and Landon is going to school tomorrow, and I can actually make it back to the gym and get back to a routine, I think tonight will be my last lazy night with no excuse......!!!! :)>

Ok, seriously..over and out!!!!

...and like I said...this was seriously, blah blah blah, just like our storm filled rainy day today... just random thoughts from a mom who spent the whole day with kids today! LOL!!!!!!!

Good Night World!

Manny and the Great Depression....

So coming back from my trip in Ohio, I was packing and I found a folder my mom had stashed in the closet of my old things from high school. I had never opened it up at the house, I brought it home and finally went through it the next morning over coffee, I was so happy with what I found, and article I wrote about my grandfather some 17 years ago! It was so old, it was printed out on a dot-matrix printer paper! I had to laugh out loud!

So in the corner Sr. Lousie (my AP History teacher) had written in the comments... "Christy, by all rights you should have lost points for being late but this was excellent...100"!

Again, I had to laugh, because I realized, at least my whole life I have been consistent! So, I wanted to share this with you, words my grandfather shared with me, about the Depression, what he thought of the world 17 years ago, and how it hasn't changed in recent years, the world has only gotten worse, and although he passed away in 2007, he knew so much, and knew exactly where the world was headed even back then....

I remember sitting and interviewing him for this article, I remember thinking how one day, I would look back at this and be happy I did it, I am! That day has come, and so I hope you enjoy reading a piece of history, of my history, and history that was shared by my grandfather. He was a Lt. Col. in the Army, served his country proud, and is what I believe to be a true American Hero!

"My life during the Depression was an interesting experience," Manny commented. He proceeded to say, "At the time I was most affected, I was a teenager." While I sat across from him, he told me his views of how he saw that critical period in time. When I was talking to him, he seemed to remember some things and laugh. He talked of how he was a boy in the family of eight children and two parents who immigrated to the U.S from Italy.

"Jobs were very scarce in that time, so whatever job was open we took. I remember how one summer I worked on a golf course and was a caddy. I would wake up at 3am, walk 5 or 6 miles and only get paid $1 for the whole day. At the time I was 13 years old. My family was poor and so whatever job the children could get they took to help out. For awhile my dad was out of work and there was no welfare back then. My dad had the WPA with him so they soon got him a job. For $12 a week they put him to work. He did different jobs each time." I laughed when I heard him say the WPA, for recently I had learned about that. "Of course, at the time, everything was cheaper, why you could ride the trolley car for $.05!"

He explained that for food most of the mother's would make a huge pot of pasta and beans. It could feed 9 people for three meals a day, for three days, "not to mention for only $.50". I was surprised when he said that but then he said, "that's how it was back then".

"For the entertainment on the weekends we would go to an open field and play football, stick ball and basketball". I said, "Poppop, that's what they do now too". He laughed and said that when you lived in the city it was different. The girls would play jump rope or hopscotch, the boys would play stick ball in the street or play handball against the wall of a building. Sometimes they would play hockey on skates if they were lucky enough to get a pair for Christmas. When it would rain or it was gloomy out, they would go to the movies for $.05 a person. As he got older once or twice a week the town at night would become, I guess you would say, the "major hang-out". The town square would convert into a street dance for the kids to dance and have fun. He commented it was good because the kids would stay out of trouble. Imagine, in today's world you could never do that without the gangs or trouble starting.

He told me that everyday his mother gave him $.10 a day. Five cents for the trolley to school and back. Only instead he would ride the trolley to school and walk home. On their way home they would stop by the bakery and buy what they called "stale bread" and buy a big bag for five cents. On the weekends, they would hitch the back of the trolley cars and sometimes disconnect cables that made the trolley run. When the conductor would chase them, they would run.

One time he mentioned, he jumped off and a taxi ran over him. He was bruised but nothing serious. When his dad came home he spanked him for his actions then asked how he was feeling. He said it was fun, but he always hated getting caught!

Getting back to a serious note, he said, "Back then you never had calculators or machines to figure out the bills. Everything would be written down on paper and added mentally. Also, nothing was packaged. Everything had to be weighed out. We packaged them ourselves at the counter. So you had to be good in math. You know when your grandmother was younger, she went to the store and the little Italian lady had a list there. The list was called a 'trust'. When you didn't have enough money to buy food, you wrote down the amount owed and signed your name. She would always be embarrassed because they were so behind. The lady would say...'Anita, tell your momma she need to pay'...Now you could never do that!"

He continued to speak about the schooling. "When I was younger, I went to a Slovish Catholic school. Of course since I lived with so many sisters they thought it was cute that I wore shorts to school. So everyday they forced me to wear shorts. Now I must tell you, that now it's no big deal, but back then and most importantly in a Slovish school, wearing shorts meant you were a sissy! So that was my nickname. Wearing pants proved your masculinity. Since I had the nickname of a sissy, I used to be tough. I always got into fights and the nuns used to send me out of the classroom. ....

....to be continued.......

this was a three page essay so I decided to break it down into 2 parts. again, remember this was written by my 14 year old self, so if the reading and writing is young...you understand why! LOL!

Losing an hour?

So tonight is daylight savings, for most this means losing an hour of sleep, for me, this means the kids are up at 4am, instead of their usual 5am, and with Mike gone, it's been a pretty grueling week of getting up early with these kids and being "on" for them for about 16 hours straight!

Now, don't get me wrong, I love the time to myself at night, but by the time I settle down, I am so tired, I can't even keep my eyes open, and end up falling asleep watching a program I have been trying to see for three days...the list of things that need to be done swirls in my brain, keeping my thoughts racing like speedway....clean the bathroom, finish the laundry, vacuum...

I have been cleaning all day in between my "moments" of freedom, although today was such a waste of a day, between trying to find dealerships for cars, and cleaning the house, I settled into spending time with the kids having them help me paint a coat rack thatI've had since christmas...

It started off great until Zachary decided he wanted to join in, and so the war over the paint brush began and it ended up all over Zachary's face..I might add, the other war`mate today was me, Landon wanted no part in fighting over the brush, obviously the kid had figured out before me, that it was going to end badly!

So, we only finished part of it, before the kids decided they wanted popcorn, and so to keep them busy I let them eat the three bags with nacho cheese powder...by dinner time, Landon told me he was sick to his stomach and didn't want dinner, Popcorn was good enough...I felt no better then our "18" year old babysitter who normally feeds the kids popcorn and chocolate pudding for dinner, so I followed it up by telling him he at least had to eat a piece of cheese...

There...mother's duties done for the night....

I let them stay up until 8pm, which is so rare, but I was thinking to my morning and hoping for an extra moments of shut eye because they stayed up later...we'll see how this plan works out...

I vow to get to the gym tomorrow...or Monday...but I miss my classes, my routine and with my folks here I was only able to get in about 3 classes, and my body is starting to feel like mush!

I had enjoyed my parents visit so much, first time with no bickering, in fact, I was so sad to see them leave, I truly wanted them to stay longer...the kids were feeling it too, poor Landon was so sad, but he powered through it, and so I took them to Chuck E. Cheese to get their mind off the lack of people in the house...

Zachary still wakes up looking for Papa and Pipi (these are his own nicknames for my folks...."Yes, Sir") although on the last day before they left, he actually asked for Grammy! As if calling her by the right name might have allowed them to stay a little longer...poor kid, he's at that stage where he knows so much, but still does not comprehend time, and space, or that we will be having his other grandparents here this week, so the house won't be quiet for long. It's all about the "now"... and when he answers you, it's a "yes, sir", even if your a "mam", my mom gets such a kick out this, and it is quite funny to hear him try and be so grown up on this little pip squeak!

We spent the last night playing the game of "trouble", we had so much fun, esp. when Landon seriously got up from the table because I sent him "home". He cried in his room until my dad went in to get him and explain, the idea of winning, and it's just a game...

Normally when we play with Mike, he fully understands the idea of losing, but I think he was so overly sensitive about my parents leaving, I felt bad, so on the last round, my mom sent my dad "Home", and my dad jokingly gets up and goes into Landon's room pulling a "tantrum", and Landon so sweetly tells him, "its OK, he can still win", and lines up all my dads pegs so he can win! It was so sweet, how he tried to console my dad, even though he was joking!

It's in these moments that I feel I am teaching my son something right! That maybe I am not having an epic fail as a mom! That maybe, just maybe I might be getting something right!

Then there is the disaster of mother nature.. and this is a blog for a whole 'nother day! I am in shock and awe, and my heart is going out to everyone in Japan, the pictures are just insane. I couldn't even imagine. And then I am hoping its not the start of something as stated in revelations, esp. as the moon is upon us next week, shaking up the earths balance...

...again, this is all for another day...today I want to close my eyes, sleep soundly, and not think about all the things I have to do starting tomorrow!

Making time for my Kids....

It's been a tumultuous two months of rehearsals. I thought to myself, I should be losing some weight, lack of dinner, lots of dancing and singing, on the go....yea....I was wrong!

I decided to spend my days getting work done so that I could spend time with my kids when Landon got home from school. Unfortunately, this puts Zachary in an awkward position as I am always on the go with him. He's been asking to go to "school", so I have been carving out about two hours of my day to take him to the gym, and he loves it! Now, while this may should be a "plus" for me, it's turned into another awkward obsession. As the more I am working out, and literally, "Working my butt off", the more I am becoming obsessed with seeing results and making sure there is a payoff here. So apparently I should've talked to someone before I started this process, because I have basically just bulked up, toned, lost inches but not weight, so while my "butt" is the highest, and tightest it's ever been, and I can finally see definition in my ab area, I still am sitting on that 6 pounds I gained over Christmas. So at this point, how do I lose "weight" without losing everything I have been working for? Well, the trainer told me I have to kick up my workout even more, and add more cardio...great, back to running after each fitness class!!! UGH!!! I was alternating running with classes, but at this point I will have to combine if I don't want to lose the results I've gotten so far....

Those of you that also read Mike's blog, also will know how much is going on in my life right now, between rehearsals every night until about 8:30/9pm, then up in the morning to get Landon ready for school, and the days start all over again. The other morning I took Zachary to the park after our morning workout and he seemed almost lost without Landon, he didn't want to stay much past 20 minutes so we left and came back with Landon later that day.

Speaking of which, yesterday, the poor kid, it was raining out really bad, and I met Mike for lunch, so I said to Mike, let's go pick him up early so I don't have to drive in this alone later...(if you must know, driving in heavy rain, freaks me out, I'd rather drive in a blizzard!)

So, we call to let the principal know, and she informs us Landon's in her office for getting in trouble at recess. She walks him out to Mike and he's hysterical crying! I had to laugh, because I knew what he was thinking..."he got sent home from school! And boy...Dad had to pick me up!"

I tried to hide my chuckles as he's wailing away in the back seat that "he's sorry, and promises to behave, but PLEASE take him back to school!!"

Mike and I decide he's grounded when he gets home, maybe this is a turning point, and we can use this to our advantage!

How do you ground a 5 year old?....easy....tell him no playing in the play room, and no watching his favorite episode of Disney Juniors new Pirate show.... He can have access to whatever is in his room, and books.

So, I thought, this will be an exhausting afternoon, but it worked out great, both boys wanted to take a nap, and then we spent the rest of the afternoon reading books, coloring and making dinner together.

I try to do things like this all the time with the boys, but for some reason the TV and toys trump MOM! So he's forced to spend time with me and he considers me the entertainment....

SO I again try to savor the moment, and realize, tomorrow it's back to normal around here!

Mike gets home from his meeting and I am exhausted so we actually went to bed early, plus I think he's getting sick, and I don't want to chance anything one week out from my show....

So, all in all, it seems the fight to spend time with my kids, it's moments like yesterday that really make all the difference in the world, the moments I treasure, and although it came out of a bad situation, it turned out to be one of the best afternoons I've had with my boys in a long time!

Trying Hard to make amends....

Trying hard to make it work.....

Trying hard to do the right thing....

...say the right thing.....

...think the right thing.....

...tomorrow is Valentine's day and how many of you out there actually boycott Valentine's day?

My husband and I actually gave up on gifts for Valentine's day, then today, he says your "gift is going to be late"..."um...what?" "What happened to no gifts on Valentine's day?" , "well", "he says, "I got you one", but that doesn't mean you have to return the favor"...I mean i did get him a little something! Valentine's day wouldn't be something without a little token! But here I am thinking we are sticking to our guns and then he goes against the grain!

It's life's little loop holes and curve balls like this that keep me on my toes.

Today, I had a horrendous rehearsal! I couldn't remember ANY of my lines! My director was even threatening to take away my lines and I'll be damned if that was going to happen, but I can't blame her, two weeks away, and I am still struggling! Just makes me realize how much harder I need to work, that at the moment THIS is my job!

Don't get mad, just DO it!

So 2 feet of snow, three days of being snowed in, no gym, no driving, no signs of life, then BAM...50 degrees and all of sudden, snow is melting like a hot witch from the wizard of Oz and life had resumed here in NWA!

It's amazing! Two long weeks of being incapacitated, then full range of motion! Slightly odd, and yet exhilarating all a the same time to see 2 feet of snow melt so quickly! Welcoming signs of spring are in the air, but don't let it fool you, for I am sure another winter blast is upon us and will be house ridden once more, before the first Tulip has arisen!

So my show is March 4th, our anniversary, and I am pretty excited, should actually be fun, if I can get it all together!

Let's hope and pray my acting days are still upon me and I can still pull off a decent performance....ah, who am I kidding....we all know the answer to this......

Day3 of Snow day

Ok, its been 3 days of having a snow day. we had an Arkansas Blizzard. about 6 inches and 2 inches of ice. The roads are pretty bad, only because they don't do anything. They sand the roads. This is our second year here and so far it's been pretty bad, and at this point I feel we need to tell someone in politics you need to buy a salt truck and Salt the roads!

I mean, just because it snows, does not mean we need to call a snow day for three days in a row! Just because the town is lazy or have lack of funds and can't have trucks to plow the roads. I mean in trying drive, it's crazy, it's like driving on snow packed roads, literally! Some are plowed, some are snow plowed, and some are just nasty!

Mike went to Amarillo, I neglected to find out he was out of town overnight, I thought he was coming back tonight, yesterday I watched my neighbors kid so it was 3 kids all day. Today, we all met at Chuck E. Cheese. We laughed because in an effort to try and keep these kids busy on dime, it ended up costing us all a small fortune! How is this possible? The whole town has shut down except for three places and these three places are making out like bandits!

I want to invest in a child's play place! This is in fact a money maker. Speaking of which...I have been contemplating opening a restaurant or my performing Arts school, right now, its leaning towards the school. My friend is a fantastic baker, I am trying to figure out how to incorporate how to make drama and croissants work together. The best money maker here, is the following.... A Performing Arts school with a cafe!

So this is my new endeavor. I don't know if it will work, but I am looking in to it, and I will keep you all up to date. I also need a new car, so that is still up for grabs. and we still need a down payment, so that requires some money.

Ok, lastly, I got an application for this pageant for Mrs. Arkansas, its a pageant, that specializes in women that are married with kids, and beautiful, etc. rooting for a charity, and I need to find a charity to sponsor me. The deadline is in two weeks, and I have a photo shoot in a couple of weeks also. But of course I feel because I have gained weight I don't feel so pretty and pageant like! So, all these things are not working for me right now.

I still have my show that I am in, which is wonderful, and I am really happy about, and I interviewed for a job for a church which I am probably turning down do to conflict of interest, so needless to say, I am at a crossroads right now in my life about many things but am feeling optimistic that things really are looking up!

On a positive note, I finally got my business cards and filers in the mail for my Talent company and an email for to start some group lessons, so I feel things are working in my favor.

This week, Has been going good because I have been hanging out with some great friends even though the kids have been home all week, we have been sticking together, and its been fun, so I haven't minded too much! But I am looking forward to Mike being home and possibly a nice warm bath this weekend!

All in all, I just wish Arkansas would get it together and find some salt trucks so we didn't have to drag out the snow days to have the kids home EVERY TIME it snowed!!!!!

Ok, I'm done.....

Tomorrow celebrates the day of my birth...

Mike thinks it quite pompous that I brag to everyone two days in advance that's its my birth-day...but I say, I have 264 friends on face book, and they are all my friends for a reason, so they all just need a little reminding....I mean really...if you have these people on your face book page and they can't even wish you a happy birthday, then why are they even on your FB page at all? I try really hard to wish all my friends a happy birthday. I know some fall through the cracks now and then, but if I see someone is having a birthday, and I know they are on my friend list, I feel it is my friend honor code to wish them a happy birthday!

I mean this is the day in age where no one sends birthday cards anymore, and if they do, its a very rare thing. I personally love getting snail mail. I love opening my mailbox to see if anything has come for me unexpected. Its just part of life's sweet unexpected pleasures. Esp. when you receive a good old fashion note or card from someone either just because, or perhaps for an occasion.

I know the idea of "going green", but the personal element of touch and sentiment is still nice when you have a handwritten note from the heart. It makes me think of my grandmother who always told me that notes were the best way to say thank you to someone or to let them know you care. I miss her so much!

Think I might write a note to her and just keep it in my lock box of letters, and hope that one day she may look down from heaven and be able to know I was still thinking of her....

So I am quite upset with my husband for voicing my age on his blog.....thanks bud...

Don't you know a lady NEVER discloses her age?

Then I looked at his blog number and realized, crap, he's got more followers than me and I've been doing this a lot longer...here comes the healthy competition I always talk about....(just to add a side note about numbers....)

Then I take a step back and realize non of this is really what I want to say, I'm just tapped out of emotion because it's my last day on this, Friday night of January 28th, 2011, in which I am officially ending my path with early 30's and coming into my mid 30 range. It's my last year when they ask you the next age bracket on the age range questions? 33-4? I am no longer lumped with the 20 something year olds, which means, I guess I am officially an adult!

I just wish someone gave me a memo sooner, I would've taken appropriate action here, gone out, gotten wasted for the last time....LOL, who am I kidding, 2 glasses of wine and I am three sheets to the wind, and that's if I've eaten, then it's bed time for me, usually by 10pm, the party animal in me just can't compete anymore....

Alright, I'm out...at this point it's just endless blah,blah,blah,blah.....

oh, and Happy Birthday birthday to me....full intentions of a pedicure/waxing and shopping before hitting up the Melting Pot tomorrow...yup, my Birth-DAY will be all about ME!!!

until it's not.... :)

Confessions of a mom....

Since I have quit smoking, I have entirely enjoyed food way to much. Over the course of the holidays and since I quit working, I can tally up the scale to a whopping 9 1/2 pounds.

Since October, this seems slight and progressive, but as I pull on my jeans and can't get them buttoned, I realize there is a problem. I try to go to the gym, try to eat healthy, it last for a couple of days, i lose about two pounds, then I think, great, I can be free! See how the cycle goes?

I find myself on the computer way to much, and a recluse much the same.

I go to rehearsal, come home, go to bed, during the day, I try to play with Zachary, have activities for the two of us, and most of the time it ends up the same old, same old. He loves going to the gym, he thinks of it as "school". I can't wait for him to start, although I will miss the time I have with him, but I am starting to feel he's outgrowing me and our "playdates", and needs more stimulation.

I tried to join and mommy group, the last time I did this was in California, I showed up late three times to the event, they eventually kicked me out. I was half-hearted with the group, and so maybe this time around I can give it at least 80%.

Feeling like the winter blues are settling in, and am trying hard to fight it. Tomorrow, I have to get my registration renewed on my car, and get things out to the post office. It'll be a busy day for me as I end it with rehearsal.

C'est la vie!

Dress Rehearsal for life...

So before I start on what I really have to say, I have to get off my chest what has gone on for the last five minutes before I actually sat down to write this blog.....

I read my husbands blog...apparantly...in this house are three boxes of girl scout cookies.... now we all know my mishap with the attempted girl scout cookies on Friday, so to ACTUALLY have Girl Scout Samoas in this house right now....Ugh! Argh! GROWL!!!!

These are not sounds of madness because I don't want them in my house, I am not Betty Freaking' Crocker, or Martha Stewart in competition for who makes the best bakery items, I WANT THE DAMN GIRL SCOUT COOKIES.....

No, I don't know if I am more pissed at my hubby for not telling me he bought them today, esp. my favorite...the thin mints...

....The fact that I can't find the damn things, now that I know they are here....

Or all of the above as I am frantically looking through every cupboard, and part of the fridge, freezer, and cabinet, on the hunt to find them....

No happy ending here folks....I resort to my homemade ones, because my mouth is drooling like a fox seeing a bunny!

It serves its purpose enough to distract me enough to come and sit down and start writing....

For the DRESS REHEARSAL....

LOL...this isn't real. It's just a picture from one of those sites. I wish it were, as one of my friends is about to have her picture splashed all over Time square right now.

Have you ever had that moment when you said, if it happens for someone close to me, I will never get jealous, I will never let it affect me? "I will never".... well, I only got to the part of it...

So, this is all suffice to say, there is NO jealousy here, I am from the bottom of my heart happy and have planned on booking my tickets for opening weekend in support, so this is not about her fame and fortune, rather, my lack of commitment to anything solid....ok...

See, I was truly happy when her fame literally "hit the news".....I mean, I even got spammed with the news of this persons "arrival"... it doesn't get bigger then that...and I am so happy, because this person has been living this dream, and making it happen for a long time!

But I think back to the days when we were doing those fantasies together, and how we spilt apart, I chose a family, and to follow after my husbands career, the other chose a career.

Ok, so fast forward, and I am in a rehearsal for my own play, "community theatre", and today I am just having a horrible day. I come in and promise...no bitching today...

I try to imagine myself in a theatre on Broadway, and what it would be like there, right now, where my FRIEND is, we are simultaneously working, but on VERY different levels. Then I have to say to myself, maybe it goes back to my last blog, maybe it's just me, maybe I find sabotage in everything I do. I said I wasn't going to complain..and yet here I am....

So, here's my conclusion, I am going to sing my heart out, attend the rehearsals, do the best that I can, and when I close my eyes on stage, to do my bit lead role, I will imagine I am at the Shubert, making my own debut! And I will hear the applause and multiply times 100. Because, that's what I do, I am an actress, my world is my stage, and today is my dress rehearsal for the the rest of my life!