Social Media Blah Blah

Everything is about the internet these days...if I want to order a pizza..."go to our website"!

P.F Changs even has internet dinner...just pick it up!!!!

I mean on some levels it's very easy...just click and it's done, on other levels, it's like we have taken out the middle man all together! In some ways I miss talking, no wait...screaming at the automatic voice on the phone that repeatedly asks "What can I help you you with"?

"Do you want to make a payment?"

Not sure how "Customer Service and Payment" sound the same, but I am sure there is someone on the line that messes with people and over and over plays the same digital recording just to piss people off. But at least there was a breathing person at the end of the line...

Have you ever just talked to some of the people you finally get after being on hold for like an hour? Like asked how their day was going ? How the weather was where they are? Shocked that people aren't screaming at them....Well no...I just got all my anger out on the automated lady......Breathing people with a pulse, react to kindness.....

So where am I going with all this? I am trying to raise money for my company and everyone tells me to go online...Social Media is the place to be... Blah, Blah, Blah....

I want to sit down and tell someone my ideas... have them feel the excitement and thrill of what we as a company are about to do. I want that human connection...Can you feel it with me?

Ok, so back to the keyboard...blah blah....I have my campaign on indiegogo, and it would be great if you could just give it a look.....



...and in case anyone hasn't told you...YES YOU reading this....have a great day, because you deserve it...........

Where have I been?

Where have I been? lost...in an abyss of myself...
Sitting on a plane to Washington DC. for my Uncle Pete's Funeral, I literally stood in line to an airport two hours away, no kids tagging along, no one waiting for me, and I stood at the desk for my valet tag, and instead of asking for one, I ask to be rerouted to Washington DC. The counter clerk clearly looks at me like I am crazy, and clearly I am, but we all know this.

He puts me on a plane and I have no idea where I am headed, Do I have time for another smoke? Another cup of Dunkin Donuts? My THIRD cup since I am in Chicago O'hare? Nope, straight on to boarding... I get there, two slots left, I am 6 on the list.. shit, the guy didn't tell me that, I stand in line, no one comes, I get off line. A lady comes up and stands in line, sure enough, she gets helped, she's on standby... A guy in a Tigers shirt, he gets a tickets...He's a premier member, asked for first class, the lady tells hm he's lucky he got on....crappers...

One spot left... I nervously go up, tell me sob story of how I was flying to Baltimore, with no one to pick me up and I have this funeral to get to so anything she can do to help would be great, she gives me a dirty look and I don't move on the list at all...

I sheepishly sip down the last of my Dunkin Donuts and figure I'll just call my cousin and have another smoke, another cup of coffee....toss the cup into can...closing boarding...people start to leave, and C Lawson is cleared for standby!

I see a little old couple, one in a wheelchair leaving, my heart sinks, I want to give up my ticket to them and realize I am only cleared because they need two!

I get on totally flustered... Stewardess asks, wheres your seat? "I don't have one"...She groans", take whats open... I excitedly look for first class... nope, keep walking, and walking...to the last seat on the back of plane, to a very flamboyant attendant who's getting a kick out of my awkwardness...

Do you know where you going? "nope"...Washington.... Dulles? I say? Nope...DC...Regan"....And where's that?" "Oh dear, good luck girl".....great I take a seat....

Frantically canceling my car reservation and trying to make a new one before the boarding door closes...and done!

I look at the seat next to me, it's the Tiger guy! Who's clearly getting a kick out of my misfortune... He mentions something about "crystal City" and suddenly it all becomes "crystal clear..." every pun intended!

Everything works out.. I get my car, a convertible! FINALLY, get a little lost finding the highway which gives me a brief view of the city...snap some photos from my car, to at least say I got to see DC and off I go to my Aunt and Uncle's in the Country!

Where the real emotions of this trip come into play are at Arlington....

Coming back to this place, it felt like I never left....

Like no time had passed since my grandparents funeral...

Except this time we were the bystanders....

I was so excited to see my Aunt Jean...and the moment I walked in, my cousins said, she's been waiting for you, but the look in their eyes, I knew was one of hope, one I knew very well.

My Aunt looked very confused. The room was solemn but there was a sense of calm. I walked over to her frail body and her glassy eyes stared back with no recognition. "aunt Jean, it's me Christy". "what a lovely name", she said. I tried desperately to connect, telling her who I was, Rosemary's daughter, Anita's Granddaughter, but nothing was making sense, she was too overwhelmed....

My heart just broke... I hugged her, told her I loved her, and in the voice I always knew, she said she loved me too...

I took my seat, a bystander now, almost feeling as though I were watching the scene from 5 years almost to the the day when I stood at the pulpit singing "Amazing Grace", barely able to find my voice.

Watching as the doors opened, and the soldiers entered....like out of a movie, not my life life happening before me, and yet here I stood again, surveying the group, almost the same crowd, different dress, hairstyles, the only ones who had really aged were the children... and yet, none of us were the same...5 years takes you a lot of different places....

I looked down at my nephew who was fiddling with a book, and wished I could return to that age, wear all I had to worry about was my collar being too tight around my neck, and wondering how long before I get some food, because I was hungry...that innocence of youth...instead of this agonizing pain I was feeling at this moment realizing this is the final moment I lost the last innocence of my own youth.

The last legacy of my youth withheld in my Aunt's eyes and memories, no longer present, stored away in the back of her mind, and it was the in that moment I became the next generation as I remember growing up, wondering when it would be, well it was happening, in this moment. My nephew had replaced the the child and I replaced the adult in my mind...and so let the next chapter of my life begin.....

My Grandparents, Visiting them after the funeral

When we got home from the funeral, I told my nieces to get in the car, I was taking the convertible out for a joy ride....my sister stood there in my "mom's way", and fought me about why it was a bad idea...it probably was, but I needed the fresh air, the open air, the ability and freedom to take in this loss.

I have a deep connection with my nieces, although lately they have become radical teenagers aggravating the shit out of me, I needed them with me. It was a selfish need, but I didn't want to be alone, I needed to hear youthful laughter, and they have a way of keeping things light and fun. I needed fun.

We set off into the night, and what they didn't know is I had no agenda. I got lost on purpose! It's something I like to do when I need to clear my head. So we took a long ride through the country mountains of VA, in a convertible....

Totally untouched photo...no photo shop, this was how beautiful it looked as we drove...

At moments toward the end it got a bit unnerving so I rolled up the windows, as the trees hung over and the top still down, we narrow tiny gravel drive, my girls reminded 1. I didn't have my jeep, and 2. the top was still down, which didn't stop someone from coming in and snatching someone out from the trees... um....I guess I didn't think I that...

So I blasted the heat, kept the windows up, turned up the music, found the highway, and one of my nieces said....wouldn't it be funny if you didn't realize I wasn't in the car, cause you know I always play tricks on you, but really I fell out of the back or something? WE laughed, then got to thinking....maybe the dark convertible ride wasn't the greatest idea...but it sure was fun!!!

I knew she couldn't fall out, Because when she tried to jump out "dukes of hazards style" it took her 3 tries before she gave up and opened the door... gotta love her!!!

So while I came home somber, and sad, and yet I had my good moments, a piece of myself hasn't come back from this trip.

I am still struggling with the placement of where I need to be as an adult, the little girl is gone, the 20-something youthfulness is gone, and the adult is left standing here wondering what to do next.....

I think I have been living so much in the past and hoping for a better future that I forget how to make that future happen, and now I need to wake up and face my own reality.

The reality of the day I am living in, the present I have, and the presence of mind I have before it slips away.....

One day at a time....

So, I have started my own comapany, it has been doing extremely well! I can't complain, except, with succuss, there always comes trials...


Today, I tried to go to mass, my husbad is in the RCIA prgroam and I am his sponsor, with two children this is quite difficult to have a "spiritual" experiance as you are eyeing the 3 year old as he is "slow motion" racing on the altar and ready to race in ay direction mom or dad's hands won't grab him! 


All I can think is "dear God, please don't be mad at me for thinking horrible thoughts of wanting to leave right now, and yet, is there anyone in the congregation, anyone that is willing to step up and take my son for me?" I am to be in a moment of grace and all I can think about is how I want to leave becasue I am so embarressed and my eyes fill with tears, and these are NOT tears of happpiness becasue the more I look at my son with pleading in my eyes not to misbehave, he gets this glimmer of shear delight of being on the altar and takes off in a frenzy and yes...races three steps up, and around the altar to be chased by someone!


I finally turn and with a bright smile capture him and grab him close with full force, he cries "MOM, your hurting me, and I bury my head in his neck and threaten him ..."no x-box, no rock band and he's going to bed when he gets home if one more word comes out of his mouth!"


A blood curlding scream protudes as the Priests annouces the Prayer of the Faithful asking for private intentions, and at that moment, I am literally asking for the Grace of God "for patience" to not have one more mortifying moment up there with all these people.


I look to my husband and place my right hand on his shoulder, over my eldest sons hand whom at this moment is standing proudly over his father and for a brief second feel a sense of grace and pride that this is what we are doing this for....


3 year old begins to squirm and scream and I then turn to my husband who mouths its ok to leave and the director of the RCIA says something to me I am unsure of, and I gracefully walk out of the church with a screaming toddler...


I bring him to the water fountain, and my blood is starting to boil and my nerves are starting to shake,  but he turns to me and says, "mama, am I being a good boy?" For a shear moment my heart just melts, and I can't answer him so I just kiss his cheeks and tell him how much I love him!


We leave and I tell my husband I will meet him later, tears are welled up in my my eyes as I am so conflicted about what to do in this moment.....


I get in the car, and my little one keeps asking for his father and why we had to leave church...sometimes, I think he really does not truly understand his actions!


I tell him how we will meet daddy and Landon later....


We do, and Mike says after we sit down for dinner..."Zachary said you told him he was a good boy,,,is that true?" I simply answer, "I did"....While his actions in church were not acceptable, he is a good boy...whats a mom to do? He has such a loving disposition, and while he literally gets on every last nerve of my body, in the same breath, he melts my heart and I am filled with love all at the same time! 


Over and over I see a picture I once saw on "Pinterest" about a child being strangled by "words".... and I am trying so hard NOT to be that mom that hurts their child in such a way that will make them feel they are less than what they can be....So I stay silent, and just queitly say my prayers....


When I put him to bed he says..."mom, you are my best friend...I pray for you!"....I again start to cry about all the things I had been feeling...How at the end of the day, this sweet little boy still wants to love me!


As I kiss him good night, and say his prayers, I again ask God for the strength for a new day....

My life in the garbage...

Baby pictures, my first play I ever wrote, The first essay I ever wrote on a dot-matrix computer about my grandfather, it was entitled "Manny & the Great Depression", trinkets, letters, cards, Newspaper articles of every show I had ever done in every state I lived in, Achievement awards for my teaching degree, Letters of recommendation, pictures of my sister's First Communion in front our our house in Florida before there was even a neighborhood, Legal Documents, Love letters, parking tickets from our first "real date"... tickets from my son's first movie, a book my mom gave me when I first became a mom, magazine's that highlighted articles of my grandfather, my very dear friend's "funeral program"...., The first evaluation I received as a teacher, written by this very dear friend that passed away....

The list goes on.....It was my life, and it was buried, but not by my own doing....it was mistakenly thrown away. And for the past 48 hours I felt like I have grieved my own death.

~

~

In fact, the harder I try, the more easier it is to forget the things contained in that bag, for it has now been another 24 hours since the last sentence, and I understand the 5 stages of grief, I feel numb now....

There was a red folder, from Cardinal Gibbons, (which I find so funny, as I nor did, any of my family go there...so why I had the folder is beyond me....) but it contained the aforementioned story I had written about my Grandfather when I was in 5th grade. A story about his life during the "Great Depression", and how things were simple, easy and well....routine.

I had started to blog this story, I don't know if I had ever finished writing it down, I remember how tired I was that night, and thought I would finish writing it later, I now have to check, if so, part of that 23 year old paper is archived....

Again in that folder was a ribbon I had received for a project I had done for "science fair", I know I had won, and for the life of me, can't remember for what, I did it three years in a row, but all I know is, the ribbon I had finally received!

I had also saved a magazine from the first school of performing arts I had ever reviewed, and with that, the application I never got to send. My Father had fallen ill with cancer that year and I chose to apply for a scholarship to a local university so I could be home with my mom and dad while he went through a difficult time. It was a reminder to me not to ever lose sight of my dreams, and passion. That my life may not be on the path I always dreamed of, but I am still doing things that would make that "little girl" inside so proud.

That folder also contained my first play I had ever written....it was on a dot-matrix printer.... similarly, because of the old computer system, I didn't know how to save anything, so I used it as a type writer.....write..print...delete.....

It was a fantastic story of a girl going through life's little challenges as her sister is off to her "wedded bliss" and her brother goes to college....she's left at the roost, and in the end, finds her own true love, her own true happiness... ~ Mind you, I don't remember how old I was exactly when I wrote this, but even then I was a big dreamer, the girl getting the guy, finding true love... It also was the first time I realized I dream in fiction....that my life is one big story...every day a new chapter....every moment the next page...what plot twist will be revealed? What new hardship will be encountered? What achievements will be celebrated? What joyous occasion will be forever cherished.......

So I knew then, I was going to be in the theatre, film....whatever, but at that point, my name was going to be in lights....

I have come to the point in my life where I have seen my name in lights...it may not have been over "Broadway", or "Hollywood Blvd.", but it was there.....

It was also there every time I looked into the eyes of a student that thanked me for helping to develop their own talents, or pull out the part of them hidden so deep they felt they had nothing to share (only to find this great buried gift within themselves).... I felt the warmth of the lights every time I hugged a child in desperate need, or for no reason at all.....Those are the lights that Broadway can't ever give me, and yet these things were all reminders to me in that little red folder I held onto for all my life....

I suppose this "purging" of things...the cards, the letters...the first note my husband ever wrote to me...were all just "things".....despite the papers that were legally important....

The documents of my son's "school abuse" case against his

pre-school teacher....Moving documents, birth certificates, bank account information...BLANK CHECKS!! (gasp)....

while my husband said that the book on my son was the best thing that was thrown away, I have to disagree, I didn't keep it as a reminder, but as proof, It was all we had, and should the situation ever arise again, I wanted to be armed...ready...but I can't now...and maybe in some way...it's God's way of finally telling me to "let it go"...

I have felt that when you come to this point in your life...

"your enlightenment"...as a catholic we believe this is your moment of clarity...the moments of when your "heaven" is awaiting you.... I am hoping for my children's sake, it isn't, I am hoping it is a wake up call...

I feel my journey is not yet complete, that I have more work to do, but I guess it's not for me to decide...it's all part of God's plan...so I have to trust, and put my faith in the fact that this lesson, as hard as it was to learn, is a lesson on humility, and simplicity....kind of like that paper I wrote those many years ago....

With the good things that were tossed...my baby pictures..pictures of my sister's first communion....pictures of my family in our first home....me...graduating High School...pictures from High School...my trip to New York with my "Bin" and brother...my first child's birth, our first football game...my little "Alina"...my grandparents....

also, were tossed the bad....pictures of New york... (we got robbed), the paper I wrote about my own experience of being raped for my psychology class in college, the documentation of my son and his "horrible experience", cards from people I probably should've gotten rid of years ago...(no not ex-boyfriends.... :)....

And then there were the things that served as accomplishments...Newspaper articles written about me, Brochures that I was featured in for our old school in Florida...Newspapers with all the info. for shows I had done.... ALL the PROGRAMS of every show I had done!!!!

...two night ago, out of anger and rage, I emptied out my closets, drawers..."purged" myself even further of things I needed to get rid of but just couldn't...this "ripping off the band-aid" effect allowed me to to cleanse....despite the fact that I wasn't ready nor even in the frame of mind to do so....

And while the items that are lost, are lost forever....and can NEVER be replaced, as the bag had a "priceless" value tag on it... and no matter how hard I pleaded with the waste management company to let me go to the site and dig through the bags...I got nowhere... I guess I really do live in a movie..I totally thought I was going to do this...that they'd let me...Maybe it would make for a great "lifetime" story....

So....Mike....I forgive you...I am sorry it had to be in this venue...and I will tell you in person...but I had to get it all out before I can finally say those last words...because the pain was so deep, that if I didn't finally come out with what I really wanted to say, then It would have all been for nothing...and the lesson never learned, and then this truly would have been my obituary....

I must say...while I am still sad and cry from time to time, for this loss was so great, it made me realize that in the end, it's good to toss your life in the garbage...it keeps the blood flowing and brings life back into your veins that were lacking oxygen because of all the "stuff" clogging it....

It made me see, that my little world is not as bad as it seems and so many others out there are suffering through worse things than I am at the moment....and for today...since this "page" is good, I will help them, until the next storm is written into our chapter.....

"This is where the healing begins...this is where the healing starts, when you come to where you're broken within, the light meets the dark...." ~ Tenth Ave North