Time after Time

I've had the closest thing to a scare in my life, went for an MRI for a series of migraines and the results came back just fine. But I won't lie, there were a period of a couple of days where I felt that inebriated feeling of "What if". Trying to picture where my life "might be", how my "children might be", how life will just go on!

Arkansas has been a very trying time on my brain. In fact, just to resurrect, the last year and a half has been a trying to time on my life! Here I was living in Michigan, in our perfect little house, with our perfect little life and our perfect little friends, and then...BAM!!!! Just kidding, life is not so perfect.

We went through some stuff in California, my husband and I really tested the strength of our relationship while we were there, and I don't mean in a "divorce" kind of way, I mean in a way where you come out the other side and say, this is excatly why I married this person!

So we are now in Arkansas, and I can a make all sorts of jokes about this place, and the people that surround me, but I oddly find myself settling into a life that is awkwardly so very nice!

I accepted a job teaching, in retrospect, saw one of my old students in her "National Tour" debut that awkwardly opened up in Arkansas! Seeing her confirmed what was truly deep down in my heart but I was fighting for a long time!

I am HAPPY! For the first time I looked on the stage and saw those actors and truly appreciated them for what they did, and not what I could've done! For a long time, I would go to shows, or concerts and wish I were on that stage doing it better! But watching one of my students up there, it made me proud. I came home, took a long hard look at my children, my husband, my life, and felt a sense of relief!

It confirmed what I knew deep down inside all along, my purpose in life is not to be the one on stage but to guide the ones that need to be there. To be the one that has strength for others! Going to class today, and bringing out in these kids, what needs to be brought, its a sense of accomplishment! I work harder at trying to be a better teacher! I work harder at trying to be a better mother, I work harder at trying to be a better person!

So I thank God, that I had this scare in my life, because it made me put things into perspective. I have a purpose in life, I can't waste it! I can't linger in the negative, and I need to see the bright side of life! I would rather observe this life from where I am then any place else! And I thank God every day for my husband, my children, my "Sanity" and my chance in life to "make a difference".

SO, as I settle into this life in the Ozarks, I realize, I'm not that different from the people surrounding me, I actually love my neighbors, my babysitter who feeds my kids pudding and popcorn for dinner, because this is all part of God's plan. And I have learned to start embracing every moment as a life lesson! A lesson I need to apply, a lesson that is given to me as a gift!

40 year lesson

For a month, I have been trying to plan the ultimate surprise for my parents 40th wedding anniversary. I felt at first that we failed as their children because we had poor planning, no real initiatives, and our "own" agenda for what we thought our parents wanted. Back and forth we went between my sister and brother about all the things we thought they wanted and finally my mother stated she just wanted to have her children together!

This is perhaps the longest story in history, and it has been a very long three days, but after careful planning we finally arrived, two out of three children, six out of seven grandchildren to surprise my parents for an unexpected surprise party which went off with quite a few hitches!

I am very tired and will actually write in detail the events that took place at another time. They are quite extraordinary as we all had reality set in within a months time frame of planning this vacation.

In the process myself and my sister both got unexpected jobs, and my brother returns to school tomorrow so the timing of this didn't quite mesh with date in which we needed to pull this off.

11 hours of driving, six children in a car together with two adults later, we arrived to what was the "most" dramatic surprise in the history of life! My parents actually had no clue we were coming, and when we arrived they though someone was breaking into the house, relationships were tested to the brink of disaster and temperament came to an all time high as we all tried to make this moment the most beautiful! Let's end it by saying that this was a weekend out parents will "NEVER" forget.

I am briefly touching on a lot moments that really need full detail because again, I can't "make this stuff up", the things that take place in my life, the situations are really too crazy for reality. But like I said I am so damn tired, I can't truly give justice to the story right now. So I will leave you all in suspense of the details until further notice. But I do want to talk about a few moments that have been the most impactful on this journey!

Family is truly unconditional. Love is truly unconditional. AND...when you combine the two, it is the most powerful feeling in the world. I have learned in the past 24 hours that when you truly love someone deeply, and are truly hurt, provoked, or tormented by the obscurity of menial perils, its easy to walk away and lack conviction. But what truly makes family great is the ability to say what you feel, mean what you say, say all the wrong things, work through the anger and know that in the end, all you really want is the love that you feel for each other to prevail.

I said to my parents today, did you really expect o get "all this" 40 years ago? And they simply responded by reiterating how important it was to at least have all the love under one roof no matter how tumultuous it was .

I sat with my father tonight who showed me pictures of his elementary school reunion and I saw my parents in a whole new light! I realized that life is too damn short to "sweat the small stuff"! I realized that in the end the only [people you have are your family! In 70 years the only one standing by your side is your spouse, and in the end, if you don't have love, you have NOTHING at all!

So thank you Lord Jesus for showing me that I still have a lot to learn about love, faith and redemption. I still have a lot to learn about humility, understanding and acceptance. I still have a lot to learn about unconditional love, free will and choices! And thank you Jesus for giving an amazing husband who has given me the amazing children. I look to my 40 year anniversary and can't wait to see where those moments of my life with my boys will take me, and I look forward to the lessons I will learn 40 years from now!

I promise to include the fun details of this thought provoking journey, but tonight, I am filled with only words of enlightenment!

I wish you all a blessed day, and a life of happiness and love!

Random Acts of Kindness...

I forgot to tell you all the "pay it forward" here I received my first day in the Ozarks...it went something like this.

I had a huge meltdown when we finally arrived here. I had just come off 1 month straight of total chaos and traveling to finding a new house, Sacramento, Vegas and finally our new home! It was of of those months where you really don't have time to think, because you are on the go, and each moment you are looking at the clock waiting for appointments, planes, traveling or someone to arrive to move your stuff! Oh... and rehearsing for the album that I am currently recording all at the same time. I convinced myself to do a little shopping to make myself feel better and came home with an outfit that was truly fit for a hoochie mama! A far cry from the original dress that i was intending to buy for this Vegas wedding which was ultra conservative and very classy. But I had gone shopping with a friend of mine and we had both officially lost all our "baby" weight so we felt good, and sexy, so home I came with a bit of a "Too sexy for a mom" kind of dress and didn't even want to show my husband until the day of the wedding when I saw him there dressed and ready to go!

Needless to say he walked in a little too early, but his reaction was priceless....he loved it! I felt great, a little sexy, a little hoochie, but great!

Fast forward to a sobering experience in the hotel room where I realize we landed the plane in between cow pastures, nothing in sight for miles and desolate areas of total vastness!

My kids are sleeping, it's been a looooooooonnnnngggg day traveling across time zones, and I lose it, and i mean lose it to the point of total hysteria! For any woman who has gone through this knows it's the type of hysteria where you aren't even really sure of why your crying but you know it just needs to come out! I literally have to calm myself down and force myself to sleep, my husband is in a panic because he's not quite sure where this came from...type of thing...

The next morning the kids and I slept until about 11am...yea, you read that correctly, and this is so totally unusual. I get a call from my husband who tells me he's summoned my mother to fly in and help me out in the hopes that having my mom will help me out! I truly think he is that best to realize that it wasn't personal, but there are certain things only a mother can do.....

First meal of the day, Chick-fil-la for the kiddies. I pull up to the drive through and the manager tells me it's all taken care of..."excuse me?" He said the gentleman in the car in front of me paid for my bill. I am a bit dumbfounded, not sure what to say, so I say, "Hey, I'm from LA, things like this just don't happen, does this happen around here often?" He replies..."yes M'am", "sometimes it does...".

I immediately call my husband to explain my weird encounter and after investigation he says its some kind of "Random act of kindness thing, like a pay it forward"... ooookkkay!

Fast forward to a month later and sure enough people do the nicest things, far beyond just opening a door for you. Like, helping you with groceries for packages when they see you have your hands full, etc. At first I was a bit taken back, but i now find myself randomly doing things for others if I have an extra means of doing it.

I am still on the prowl for paying for an extra meal through that drive-in, but I mostly find at Starbucks the person behind me is in a Mercedes, BMW or Acura and I think, are they really in need of me paying for their coffee? A friend of mine pointed out..your at Starbucks, what do you expect, if you hit up the local donut shop you might find a suitable random person in need! And then at the end of the conversation I realize this is all too mathematical ,and the whole point of random acts is to not seek it out, but to randomly just "do it"!

My first lesson here has taught me a lot in the month I have been here, a pleasant experience, and one I truly hope to pay it forward!

I might be- .... settling in...

So the past two blogs have been somewhat thought provoking as I try to work out my own issues through my writing. I have had very many different goals in my life, and as I get older they change, as I change. The saying goes that a leopard can't change it's spots, now while this is true, I can vouch they can change their temperament.

I probably am not writing much except to say that I am eternally searching for peace, and today I spent the day with my boys while my husband drove 3 hours to a baseball game in Kansas City. Normally I'd be annoyed and agitated that its the weekend and I had no help, but today I took a different approach, I mellowed out my thoughts, decided to really enjoy the time I had with my boys and whatever didn't get done in the house, didn't get done!

Maybe what I'm learning in this place is slow down the pace of my mind, my reality and my temper. To find the time to enjoy life, enjoy the things I have going on that are beautiful, and not to be so cliche but taking the time "to enjoy the sunshine and smell the roses!"

God's Plan...

I guess it started with Mike saying to me a couple of weeks ago to find a church down South, knowing the kids act up and all, maybe one with a cry room so we could actually go to church in peace.

I signed up Landon for preschool and received a bulletin from the parish as part of the registration. In a small box was written: "Music teacher needed for elementary school, Call.....", now have you ever been so overwhelmed by something you actually felt it spoke to you? I felt as if this ad were printed for my eyes only! So I call, and the principal tells me the position is possibly filled, she already has a candidate, we proceed to speak for a long time on the phone and come to find out all the things, places and living adventures we have in common.

I've thought nothing of this from this point on, I realized it was a whim, a part of my sub-conscience wanting to over do things like I always do....Besides, I have a lot going on right now, with moving, recording, traveling....

Like a nagging hang nail on your toe, these thoughts came flooding in about finding a church down south like Mike suggested, possibly actually REALLY looking for a teaching job again, wanting to join a choir....it was literally NAGGING!

So Thursday I receive a call, the boys and I were napping and I heard the machine pick up. I recognize the principals voice but it's muffled so I chalk it to her calling to say she has already filled the position. I drift back into a deep sleep and enjoy the precious moment that both boys are cuddled up in my arms for a peaceful nap.

I finally come around to checking the answering machine and it about 4:45. I listen to the message and the principal tells me that she really wants to pursue things with me and she would love for me to come in for an interview, but she'll be there until 5pm. I reluctantly pick up the phone, return the call, casually I set up an interview for the next morning, she said I could bring the kids! Outside the next door neighbor introduces himself and I ask if his girls are home, he said they were out of town but would be back that night, I mention I need a babysitter for the following morning and he immediately gets on the phone and makes it happen!!!!

I am now panicked because my resume looks like crap, I have nothing to show professionally and I have been out of loop for 4 years! I tell my brother how things are going , he tells me to just email him my resume and he'll edit it for me. I find the portfolio I had put together years ago of all my music classes and theatre performances....do you know how long I had been looking for this thing? And now here it is in front of face! By the time I received my resume back from my brother it looks like I've conquered the world! It's the most professional my resume has ever looked! My brother comments that it took him 4 hours to edit, because I have done A LOT! I cant thank him enough for helping me out!

The story basically goes as follows, I got the job! On the spot! Am I a bit overwhelmed? Absolutely! But as I sat there and repeated the strange occurrence to everyone that would listen, I got overwhelmingly excited. I understand this was completely part of God's plan, because when it's HIS will, everything always falls into place so easily! And with the life that I have led, I always follow my heart, meditate on the right decision and listen to the answers that pursue.

God's will will never steer you wrong! I looked back in the bulletin to see about that ad again, yes its still there, no miraculous "deja vu", but I still believe it was written for my eyes only!

Arkansas is....proving to be OK for right now! Thanks God!

Slowly fitting in...or out!

We attempted to go to mass on Sunday as a family. Already I know I've made a name for myself, not sure what though...

First week: We sit in the first row, kids are great, Priest takes notice!

Second Week: Late to mass, baby is throwing a fit I proceed to the cry room and spend half the time trying to calm him down. I take out my prayer book and the girl next to me asks if I've managed to actually do all 15 prayers of the "Pieta" everyday. I tell her no, just trying to get through my eucharist prayers. We talk, exchange numbers and manage to set up an "unscheduled" playdate with the kids!

Week Three: Landon is ridiculous! Not wanting to sit down, stays in the cry room. I finally introduce myself to the priest because he's been eyein' me the past couple of weeks and before the words come out of my mouth he asks my name and where I'm from, clueing me into the fact that he knows I'm new.

Week Four: I attempt to try to sit in the front again hoping things will go better this time, I see the girl from a couple of weeks ago but I'm not sure she saw me, or did and decided to stay away, who knows... Kids come back from "Little Church", and Landon wants to go up to the Altar with them to give money, but Mike and I look at each other and actually realize neither one of us have any. We are more disappointed in ourselves because of the look on Landon's face. No sooner is this moment taken away by the two boys (obviously brothers) who run up to the altar, run around the altar, throw money into the basket on the altar, take the money out, throw it at each other, run around the altar again, JUMP off the steps of the altar, tackle each other on the ground, and proceed to wrestle on the steps of the altar...and YES, mass is still going on! Priest nervously continues with the consecration, and no one is owning up to whose kids these are. I look at Mike and tell him I think our kids are "angels" this week! He didn't quite approve! But agreed they shined in comparison.

It's now Monday: I really don't know how things can get any more strange. But I realize I have a Doctor's appointment and am really dreading it from the last time I went. Landon is sitting so nicely, the boys are great, the doctor is even complementing them on how well behaved they were today.

(WHAT HAPPENED NEXT IS UTTERLY...well you decide).

A light switch, that's all I have to say. Landon decides to use the stir-ups for the ob/gyn exam as a train whistle and brake, back and forth, with the "whoo-whoo" sounds and all. To the point where they are now in a position I hope no woman ever has to be in, and looking at this contraption like this is freaking me out. My 11 month old decides to start screaming his head off and climbs out of the stroller. With a tilt of the head he literally jumps out of his seat and flies across the room just in time to catch Landon whose head is about to hit the ground because he was standing in the stroller on his tippy toes trying to reach the hand sanitizer. I guess out of fear Landon proceeds to tell me he has to "pee", and low and behold there is a puddle on the floor about 1 inch from the doctor's shoes whose still holding his hand!

Landon is now in a diaper, totally naked in the stroller and as I walk out into the lobby to leave I run into my neighbor whose waiting to see the same doctor we just came from. I quickly give a waive, and say hi, she gets up to come say hello and I motion "I've got to run", she didn't look too happy, but I was in no mood to explain why my 3 year old is out in public...naked!

We get in the car, I take a deep breath and realize the best thing is to go home and just stay there!

I'm not sure if these moments are helping us to fit in, or roll us right out. Lord only knows that I am overwhelmed to find out!

(to be continued....)

First Blog Entry

It has been exactly three weeks since we have moved to the Ozarks. Not before we moved here did I ever really realize what the "Ozarks" actually were, 'nore did I ever care. I had to google my way around this area. All I knew was that this was our 11 move in 9 1/5 years of marriage. It has been a tumultuous road traveled through gravel, dirt and stone. My husband and I have a very "dynamic" relationship as I like to confer. We take it a day at a time and yet what I realize is the following... we are meant for each other, he is truly the "love of my life", and there is no other person I'd rather grow old with. Kohls sells these fantastic Vinyl murals you can stick on your walls, and I found the perfect cliche for us...."Just one Lifetime won't be enough for us". Anyone that actually knows Mike and I can vouch we are truly a unique couple, but we will absolutely stand the test of time. His company has moved us all over the United States. That didn't justify our time together for the first three years of marriage that we actually held 5 addresses within the first three years. Its a long complicated story, but it truly has a fairy tale ending.

For now I am going to say that Arkansas is not the place I envisioned myself raising children and growing old, and I'm not going to say it is our final destination. Only God knows that, and it seems his plan for us is also" Dynamic".

So for now: Things I will touch upon: Population of current town: less then 50,00.

Grocery Store: Wal-mart

Things I see at Wal-mart: Oh boy this could go on for hours!

Things I miss about the city: The little Chinese people that give great pedicures for really cheap! And WINE!! At TARGET!!!!

Something I took for granted: Traffic, Stop signs, signs of life!

Places we've been since we moved to the Ozarks: Missouri, and Oklahoma!

People I've met that make me want to throw up b/c they are so nice:.....this is endless. Everyone that speaks to me my automatic reaction is that they have a hidden agenda!, want to kidnap my children, or me, or that they just know I don't fit in!

Wine, I miss my wine! I live in a dry county. Didn't know what that meant until I moved here. Yes, you actually have to sign a book every time you enter an establishment that serves liquor, it's like a membership thing, but apparently you can sign "John Do" and no one is the wiser!

I called Target and Walmart in another city to see if they sold wine and a woman rudely told me to go to Liquor store. She must've been Baptist. If she were Catholic, esp. Italian or Irish she'd direct me to the closest Liquor store to my location.

Everyone here is either ridiculously skinny and pregnant or ridiculously overweight! Now anyone that knows me knows my weight issues so I speak about this in confidence! But, c'mon people, seriously, do you have to be soooooooooooooooo cliche?

When I go to the Book store, or any store I actually see one of two kinds of people....

1. The woman whose husband makes a lot of money and she is dripping in everything "designer"!

2. The woman whose husband works at local "store" and she is dripping in everything "Wholesale"!

True story I swear: I walk into the Coach store and in walks a girl with a designer dress, a "Coach headband", "Coach" watch, "coach" purse and showing off her "new" diamond that she just had reset at he the "new" jewelry store that opened in the mall. As the associates (her friends, obviously) are "ooohing and "aaahing".

Fast forward to three weeks later and my computer is broken and we have to drive to another STATE to go to an Apple store to get it fixed. My wonderful Husband decides to surprise me with a Dinner at my all time favorite restaurant, "The Melting Pot". Feeding the children cheese, bread and water at this point sounds heavenly as I devour my Fondue!

The ride home we decide to play car games and my 3 year old is frustrated because he doesn't understand the concept of "I SPY". So my Hubby and I joke around about intimate things when we get home and our 11 month old is passed out in the back seat and the 3 year old decides it's more fun to count cows in the plethora of cow pastures we pass on the way home!

This is no means a complaint!

I am absolutely trying to let you all know what it's like to take the girl out of the city and put her in the prairie!

(to be continued)...