It's been too long....

I promise in the "New Year" not to make resolutions or promises I can't keep. For so long I boycotted giving in to this new life here in this desolate area...then through all the betrayal, rejection, hurt and tears, something magical happened...I WOKE UP! I came out a stronger woman, stronger than I ever thought I could be. I have survived so much loss and tragedy in my life but nothing stings like the kind where you put your trust and heart in places you know will get ripped apart, only to be right!

In the end, when I made the choice to face my fears, and come out on the other side for the sake of my family, I let the revenge, the hurt and the animosity go, a wonderful thing happened....I truly found out what kind of woman God intended me to be. I was about to make my own dreams come true, and for the first time find out what it's like to finally cross off that "goal list", the idea was to have it done by a certain time...well...life happens, and when I gave up on the "time" and focused on "goal", I realized it didn't matter when it happened, all that mattered, was that it did!

The most valuable lesson that sunk in this year from after seeing the "Polar Express" for the gazillionth time (as this is my boys favorite movie), and the concept, is that anything is possible..."if you just believe"! So I began to believe in myself which is something I have been working on for years, and the moment it finally happened, I could literally see God's miracles at hand.....

It's a plan, not a promise, but an idea to write about these experiences so others will hopefully learn from mistakes my mistakes and figure out how to find their inner strength so they (you) too may start crossing off things from that list.....

OK...kids up....signing off for now~

Blah, Blah, Blah

Yup, Another day where one of those blogs means nothing.

My husband thinks I don't read his blog, I do, I catch up, he also doesn't realize I live in his world, so what he writes about, I pretty much live! So let's see my point of view...He's got 2160 followers, I have a merely 900, pails in comparison I know, I suck, but maybe because I'm just a stay a home mom and he's just this big-wig executive with almost 500 FB friends and I barely top out out at 200. I realize again this is not a popularity contest, just an outlet to a means of communication to my humdrum life!

~ Easter: Went nicely: had friends over, kids did an Easter egg hunt from the "Easter Bunny", inside the house as it was raining outside! Landon got his hand stuck in a door due to a game of "hide and go seek", nothings broken! THANK GOD!!!

~ It's been raining for 3 days, had a tornado scare on Friday..talk about nerves unending...Landon sat in the closet and said "I think I'm gonna start crying" as the tears were streaming down his face! My heart was breaking as I calmly tried to comfort him and let him know it was going to be ok! Deep down inside, I had no idea, I was so scared myself! My heart was fluttering!

~ I am not fond of living here, these storms are crazy, being glued to the television in the hopes that this storm won't turn into a tornado, I mean how do people live like this? I would take Florida and their Hurricanes ANY DAY! At least we had a day worth of preparation, it was the same amount of time spent in a safe room, but at least we knew when the eye of the storm was hitting and when it was gone...HERE it just COMES and GOES whenever the atmosphere changes, its frustrating and very scary!!!!!!

~We got up this morning and got ready for school despite the storms, I was determined on getting to the gym, so, we are getting to the car, and Landon says, "I am so tired, and my arm hurts",..."Oh Brother", so we spend the next 10 minutes negotiating as to the pros and cons of him going to school with a sprained hand and what will happen if he gets tired and sick and so he decided it is better, "he stays home to rest like the doctor told him"! Smart Kid!!!

We spend the rest of the day coloring, playing trouble and Candy Land, and watching movies, and it turned out to be a great day!

~I found out my "Soaps" got canceled! I know this means nothing to most of you, but to me, this means the world! It's like the end of my life! I remember my mom taping episodes of these soaps and then my grandmother NEVER missing a DAY of these soap operas! and to know now they are going off the air is like...well...my grandmother past away in 2007, and my sister and mom boycotted these soaps, but I kept watching because it was our "thing". She would get Soap Opera digest for us and pass it through my sister and I to make sure we were current! Now to know there will be no more soaps,, no more Soap Opera Digest! I mean, seriously, whats a stay at home mom to do??!!??!!! DVR the FOOD NETWORK? I am feeling all sorts of loss all over again! :>(

So, I will leave you with these parting words, shame on ABC!!! LOL!!!

I guess its General Hospital and the "mock mob" show for now!

B-O-R-I_N_G!!!!!

Ok, that's all I got for now...

Over and out....

Except that I DVR'd "Chuck" and I love that show, and since the kids are sleeping and Landon is going to school tomorrow, and I can actually make it back to the gym and get back to a routine, I think tonight will be my last lazy night with no excuse......!!!! :)>

Ok, seriously..over and out!!!!

...and like I said...this was seriously, blah blah blah, just like our storm filled rainy day today... just random thoughts from a mom who spent the whole day with kids today! LOL!!!!!!!

Good Night World!

Manny and the Great Depression....

So coming back from my trip in Ohio, I was packing and I found a folder my mom had stashed in the closet of my old things from high school. I had never opened it up at the house, I brought it home and finally went through it the next morning over coffee, I was so happy with what I found, and article I wrote about my grandfather some 17 years ago! It was so old, it was printed out on a dot-matrix printer paper! I had to laugh out loud!

So in the corner Sr. Lousie (my AP History teacher) had written in the comments... "Christy, by all rights you should have lost points for being late but this was excellent...100"!

Again, I had to laugh, because I realized, at least my whole life I have been consistent! So, I wanted to share this with you, words my grandfather shared with me, about the Depression, what he thought of the world 17 years ago, and how it hasn't changed in recent years, the world has only gotten worse, and although he passed away in 2007, he knew so much, and knew exactly where the world was headed even back then....

I remember sitting and interviewing him for this article, I remember thinking how one day, I would look back at this and be happy I did it, I am! That day has come, and so I hope you enjoy reading a piece of history, of my history, and history that was shared by my grandfather. He was a Lt. Col. in the Army, served his country proud, and is what I believe to be a true American Hero!

"My life during the Depression was an interesting experience," Manny commented. He proceeded to say, "At the time I was most affected, I was a teenager." While I sat across from him, he told me his views of how he saw that critical period in time. When I was talking to him, he seemed to remember some things and laugh. He talked of how he was a boy in the family of eight children and two parents who immigrated to the U.S from Italy.

"Jobs were very scarce in that time, so whatever job was open we took. I remember how one summer I worked on a golf course and was a caddy. I would wake up at 3am, walk 5 or 6 miles and only get paid $1 for the whole day. At the time I was 13 years old. My family was poor and so whatever job the children could get they took to help out. For awhile my dad was out of work and there was no welfare back then. My dad had the WPA with him so they soon got him a job. For $12 a week they put him to work. He did different jobs each time." I laughed when I heard him say the WPA, for recently I had learned about that. "Of course, at the time, everything was cheaper, why you could ride the trolley car for $.05!"

He explained that for food most of the mother's would make a huge pot of pasta and beans. It could feed 9 people for three meals a day, for three days, "not to mention for only $.50". I was surprised when he said that but then he said, "that's how it was back then".

"For the entertainment on the weekends we would go to an open field and play football, stick ball and basketball". I said, "Poppop, that's what they do now too". He laughed and said that when you lived in the city it was different. The girls would play jump rope or hopscotch, the boys would play stick ball in the street or play handball against the wall of a building. Sometimes they would play hockey on skates if they were lucky enough to get a pair for Christmas. When it would rain or it was gloomy out, they would go to the movies for $.05 a person. As he got older once or twice a week the town at night would become, I guess you would say, the "major hang-out". The town square would convert into a street dance for the kids to dance and have fun. He commented it was good because the kids would stay out of trouble. Imagine, in today's world you could never do that without the gangs or trouble starting.

He told me that everyday his mother gave him $.10 a day. Five cents for the trolley to school and back. Only instead he would ride the trolley to school and walk home. On their way home they would stop by the bakery and buy what they called "stale bread" and buy a big bag for five cents. On the weekends, they would hitch the back of the trolley cars and sometimes disconnect cables that made the trolley run. When the conductor would chase them, they would run.

One time he mentioned, he jumped off and a taxi ran over him. He was bruised but nothing serious. When his dad came home he spanked him for his actions then asked how he was feeling. He said it was fun, but he always hated getting caught!

Getting back to a serious note, he said, "Back then you never had calculators or machines to figure out the bills. Everything would be written down on paper and added mentally. Also, nothing was packaged. Everything had to be weighed out. We packaged them ourselves at the counter. So you had to be good in math. You know when your grandmother was younger, she went to the store and the little Italian lady had a list there. The list was called a 'trust'. When you didn't have enough money to buy food, you wrote down the amount owed and signed your name. She would always be embarrassed because they were so behind. The lady would say...'Anita, tell your momma she need to pay'...Now you could never do that!"

He continued to speak about the schooling. "When I was younger, I went to a Slovish Catholic school. Of course since I lived with so many sisters they thought it was cute that I wore shorts to school. So everyday they forced me to wear shorts. Now I must tell you, that now it's no big deal, but back then and most importantly in a Slovish school, wearing shorts meant you were a sissy! So that was my nickname. Wearing pants proved your masculinity. Since I had the nickname of a sissy, I used to be tough. I always got into fights and the nuns used to send me out of the classroom. ....

....to be continued.......

this was a three page essay so I decided to break it down into 2 parts. again, remember this was written by my 14 year old self, so if the reading and writing is young...you understand why! LOL!

Losing an hour?

So tonight is daylight savings, for most this means losing an hour of sleep, for me, this means the kids are up at 4am, instead of their usual 5am, and with Mike gone, it's been a pretty grueling week of getting up early with these kids and being "on" for them for about 16 hours straight!

Now, don't get me wrong, I love the time to myself at night, but by the time I settle down, I am so tired, I can't even keep my eyes open, and end up falling asleep watching a program I have been trying to see for three days...the list of things that need to be done swirls in my brain, keeping my thoughts racing like speedway....clean the bathroom, finish the laundry, vacuum...

I have been cleaning all day in between my "moments" of freedom, although today was such a waste of a day, between trying to find dealerships for cars, and cleaning the house, I settled into spending time with the kids having them help me paint a coat rack thatI've had since christmas...

It started off great until Zachary decided he wanted to join in, and so the war over the paint brush began and it ended up all over Zachary's face..I might add, the other war`mate today was me, Landon wanted no part in fighting over the brush, obviously the kid had figured out before me, that it was going to end badly!

So, we only finished part of it, before the kids decided they wanted popcorn, and so to keep them busy I let them eat the three bags with nacho cheese powder...by dinner time, Landon told me he was sick to his stomach and didn't want dinner, Popcorn was good enough...I felt no better then our "18" year old babysitter who normally feeds the kids popcorn and chocolate pudding for dinner, so I followed it up by telling him he at least had to eat a piece of cheese...

There...mother's duties done for the night....

I let them stay up until 8pm, which is so rare, but I was thinking to my morning and hoping for an extra moments of shut eye because they stayed up later...we'll see how this plan works out...

I vow to get to the gym tomorrow...or Monday...but I miss my classes, my routine and with my folks here I was only able to get in about 3 classes, and my body is starting to feel like mush!

I had enjoyed my parents visit so much, first time with no bickering, in fact, I was so sad to see them leave, I truly wanted them to stay longer...the kids were feeling it too, poor Landon was so sad, but he powered through it, and so I took them to Chuck E. Cheese to get their mind off the lack of people in the house...

Zachary still wakes up looking for Papa and Pipi (these are his own nicknames for my folks...."Yes, Sir") although on the last day before they left, he actually asked for Grammy! As if calling her by the right name might have allowed them to stay a little longer...poor kid, he's at that stage where he knows so much, but still does not comprehend time, and space, or that we will be having his other grandparents here this week, so the house won't be quiet for long. It's all about the "now"... and when he answers you, it's a "yes, sir", even if your a "mam", my mom gets such a kick out this, and it is quite funny to hear him try and be so grown up on this little pip squeak!

We spent the last night playing the game of "trouble", we had so much fun, esp. when Landon seriously got up from the table because I sent him "home". He cried in his room until my dad went in to get him and explain, the idea of winning, and it's just a game...

Normally when we play with Mike, he fully understands the idea of losing, but I think he was so overly sensitive about my parents leaving, I felt bad, so on the last round, my mom sent my dad "Home", and my dad jokingly gets up and goes into Landon's room pulling a "tantrum", and Landon so sweetly tells him, "its OK, he can still win", and lines up all my dads pegs so he can win! It was so sweet, how he tried to console my dad, even though he was joking!

It's in these moments that I feel I am teaching my son something right! That maybe I am not having an epic fail as a mom! That maybe, just maybe I might be getting something right!

Then there is the disaster of mother nature.. and this is a blog for a whole 'nother day! I am in shock and awe, and my heart is going out to everyone in Japan, the pictures are just insane. I couldn't even imagine. And then I am hoping its not the start of something as stated in revelations, esp. as the moon is upon us next week, shaking up the earths balance...

...again, this is all for another day...today I want to close my eyes, sleep soundly, and not think about all the things I have to do starting tomorrow!

Making time for my Kids....

It's been a tumultuous two months of rehearsals. I thought to myself, I should be losing some weight, lack of dinner, lots of dancing and singing, on the go....yea....I was wrong!

I decided to spend my days getting work done so that I could spend time with my kids when Landon got home from school. Unfortunately, this puts Zachary in an awkward position as I am always on the go with him. He's been asking to go to "school", so I have been carving out about two hours of my day to take him to the gym, and he loves it! Now, while this may should be a "plus" for me, it's turned into another awkward obsession. As the more I am working out, and literally, "Working my butt off", the more I am becoming obsessed with seeing results and making sure there is a payoff here. So apparently I should've talked to someone before I started this process, because I have basically just bulked up, toned, lost inches but not weight, so while my "butt" is the highest, and tightest it's ever been, and I can finally see definition in my ab area, I still am sitting on that 6 pounds I gained over Christmas. So at this point, how do I lose "weight" without losing everything I have been working for? Well, the trainer told me I have to kick up my workout even more, and add more cardio...great, back to running after each fitness class!!! UGH!!! I was alternating running with classes, but at this point I will have to combine if I don't want to lose the results I've gotten so far....

Those of you that also read Mike's blog, also will know how much is going on in my life right now, between rehearsals every night until about 8:30/9pm, then up in the morning to get Landon ready for school, and the days start all over again. The other morning I took Zachary to the park after our morning workout and he seemed almost lost without Landon, he didn't want to stay much past 20 minutes so we left and came back with Landon later that day.

Speaking of which, yesterday, the poor kid, it was raining out really bad, and I met Mike for lunch, so I said to Mike, let's go pick him up early so I don't have to drive in this alone later...(if you must know, driving in heavy rain, freaks me out, I'd rather drive in a blizzard!)

So, we call to let the principal know, and she informs us Landon's in her office for getting in trouble at recess. She walks him out to Mike and he's hysterical crying! I had to laugh, because I knew what he was thinking..."he got sent home from school! And boy...Dad had to pick me up!"

I tried to hide my chuckles as he's wailing away in the back seat that "he's sorry, and promises to behave, but PLEASE take him back to school!!"

Mike and I decide he's grounded when he gets home, maybe this is a turning point, and we can use this to our advantage!

How do you ground a 5 year old?....easy....tell him no playing in the play room, and no watching his favorite episode of Disney Juniors new Pirate show.... He can have access to whatever is in his room, and books.

So, I thought, this will be an exhausting afternoon, but it worked out great, both boys wanted to take a nap, and then we spent the rest of the afternoon reading books, coloring and making dinner together.

I try to do things like this all the time with the boys, but for some reason the TV and toys trump MOM! So he's forced to spend time with me and he considers me the entertainment....

SO I again try to savor the moment, and realize, tomorrow it's back to normal around here!

Mike gets home from his meeting and I am exhausted so we actually went to bed early, plus I think he's getting sick, and I don't want to chance anything one week out from my show....

So, all in all, it seems the fight to spend time with my kids, it's moments like yesterday that really make all the difference in the world, the moments I treasure, and although it came out of a bad situation, it turned out to be one of the best afternoons I've had with my boys in a long time!

Trying Hard to make amends....

Trying hard to make it work.....

Trying hard to do the right thing....

...say the right thing.....

...think the right thing.....

...tomorrow is Valentine's day and how many of you out there actually boycott Valentine's day?

My husband and I actually gave up on gifts for Valentine's day, then today, he says your "gift is going to be late"..."um...what?" "What happened to no gifts on Valentine's day?" , "well", "he says, "I got you one", but that doesn't mean you have to return the favor"...I mean i did get him a little something! Valentine's day wouldn't be something without a little token! But here I am thinking we are sticking to our guns and then he goes against the grain!

It's life's little loop holes and curve balls like this that keep me on my toes.

Today, I had a horrendous rehearsal! I couldn't remember ANY of my lines! My director was even threatening to take away my lines and I'll be damned if that was going to happen, but I can't blame her, two weeks away, and I am still struggling! Just makes me realize how much harder I need to work, that at the moment THIS is my job!

Don't get mad, just DO it!

So 2 feet of snow, three days of being snowed in, no gym, no driving, no signs of life, then BAM...50 degrees and all of sudden, snow is melting like a hot witch from the wizard of Oz and life had resumed here in NWA!

It's amazing! Two long weeks of being incapacitated, then full range of motion! Slightly odd, and yet exhilarating all a the same time to see 2 feet of snow melt so quickly! Welcoming signs of spring are in the air, but don't let it fool you, for I am sure another winter blast is upon us and will be house ridden once more, before the first Tulip has arisen!

So my show is March 4th, our anniversary, and I am pretty excited, should actually be fun, if I can get it all together!

Let's hope and pray my acting days are still upon me and I can still pull off a decent performance....ah, who am I kidding....we all know the answer to this......

Day3 of Snow day

Ok, its been 3 days of having a snow day. we had an Arkansas Blizzard. about 6 inches and 2 inches of ice. The roads are pretty bad, only because they don't do anything. They sand the roads. This is our second year here and so far it's been pretty bad, and at this point I feel we need to tell someone in politics you need to buy a salt truck and Salt the roads!

I mean, just because it snows, does not mean we need to call a snow day for three days in a row! Just because the town is lazy or have lack of funds and can't have trucks to plow the roads. I mean in trying drive, it's crazy, it's like driving on snow packed roads, literally! Some are plowed, some are snow plowed, and some are just nasty!

Mike went to Amarillo, I neglected to find out he was out of town overnight, I thought he was coming back tonight, yesterday I watched my neighbors kid so it was 3 kids all day. Today, we all met at Chuck E. Cheese. We laughed because in an effort to try and keep these kids busy on dime, it ended up costing us all a small fortune! How is this possible? The whole town has shut down except for three places and these three places are making out like bandits!

I want to invest in a child's play place! This is in fact a money maker. Speaking of which...I have been contemplating opening a restaurant or my performing Arts school, right now, its leaning towards the school. My friend is a fantastic baker, I am trying to figure out how to incorporate how to make drama and croissants work together. The best money maker here, is the following.... A Performing Arts school with a cafe!

So this is my new endeavor. I don't know if it will work, but I am looking in to it, and I will keep you all up to date. I also need a new car, so that is still up for grabs. and we still need a down payment, so that requires some money.

Ok, lastly, I got an application for this pageant for Mrs. Arkansas, its a pageant, that specializes in women that are married with kids, and beautiful, etc. rooting for a charity, and I need to find a charity to sponsor me. The deadline is in two weeks, and I have a photo shoot in a couple of weeks also. But of course I feel because I have gained weight I don't feel so pretty and pageant like! So, all these things are not working for me right now.

I still have my show that I am in, which is wonderful, and I am really happy about, and I interviewed for a job for a church which I am probably turning down do to conflict of interest, so needless to say, I am at a crossroads right now in my life about many things but am feeling optimistic that things really are looking up!

On a positive note, I finally got my business cards and filers in the mail for my Talent company and an email for to start some group lessons, so I feel things are working in my favor.

This week, Has been going good because I have been hanging out with some great friends even though the kids have been home all week, we have been sticking together, and its been fun, so I haven't minded too much! But I am looking forward to Mike being home and possibly a nice warm bath this weekend!

All in all, I just wish Arkansas would get it together and find some salt trucks so we didn't have to drag out the snow days to have the kids home EVERY TIME it snowed!!!!!

Ok, I'm done.....

Tomorrow celebrates the day of my birth...

Mike thinks it quite pompous that I brag to everyone two days in advance that's its my birth-day...but I say, I have 264 friends on face book, and they are all my friends for a reason, so they all just need a little reminding....I mean really...if you have these people on your face book page and they can't even wish you a happy birthday, then why are they even on your FB page at all? I try really hard to wish all my friends a happy birthday. I know some fall through the cracks now and then, but if I see someone is having a birthday, and I know they are on my friend list, I feel it is my friend honor code to wish them a happy birthday!

I mean this is the day in age where no one sends birthday cards anymore, and if they do, its a very rare thing. I personally love getting snail mail. I love opening my mailbox to see if anything has come for me unexpected. Its just part of life's sweet unexpected pleasures. Esp. when you receive a good old fashion note or card from someone either just because, or perhaps for an occasion.

I know the idea of "going green", but the personal element of touch and sentiment is still nice when you have a handwritten note from the heart. It makes me think of my grandmother who always told me that notes were the best way to say thank you to someone or to let them know you care. I miss her so much!

Think I might write a note to her and just keep it in my lock box of letters, and hope that one day she may look down from heaven and be able to know I was still thinking of her....

So I am quite upset with my husband for voicing my age on his blog.....thanks bud...

Don't you know a lady NEVER discloses her age?

Then I looked at his blog number and realized, crap, he's got more followers than me and I've been doing this a lot longer...here comes the healthy competition I always talk about....(just to add a side note about numbers....)

Then I take a step back and realize non of this is really what I want to say, I'm just tapped out of emotion because it's my last day on this, Friday night of January 28th, 2011, in which I am officially ending my path with early 30's and coming into my mid 30 range. It's my last year when they ask you the next age bracket on the age range questions? 33-4? I am no longer lumped with the 20 something year olds, which means, I guess I am officially an adult!

I just wish someone gave me a memo sooner, I would've taken appropriate action here, gone out, gotten wasted for the last time....LOL, who am I kidding, 2 glasses of wine and I am three sheets to the wind, and that's if I've eaten, then it's bed time for me, usually by 10pm, the party animal in me just can't compete anymore....

Alright, I'm out...at this point it's just endless blah,blah,blah,blah.....

oh, and Happy Birthday birthday to me....full intentions of a pedicure/waxing and shopping before hitting up the Melting Pot tomorrow...yup, my Birth-DAY will be all about ME!!!

until it's not.... :)

Confessions of a mom....

Since I have quit smoking, I have entirely enjoyed food way to much. Over the course of the holidays and since I quit working, I can tally up the scale to a whopping 9 1/2 pounds.

Since October, this seems slight and progressive, but as I pull on my jeans and can't get them buttoned, I realize there is a problem. I try to go to the gym, try to eat healthy, it last for a couple of days, i lose about two pounds, then I think, great, I can be free! See how the cycle goes?

I find myself on the computer way to much, and a recluse much the same.

I go to rehearsal, come home, go to bed, during the day, I try to play with Zachary, have activities for the two of us, and most of the time it ends up the same old, same old. He loves going to the gym, he thinks of it as "school". I can't wait for him to start, although I will miss the time I have with him, but I am starting to feel he's outgrowing me and our "playdates", and needs more stimulation.

I tried to join and mommy group, the last time I did this was in California, I showed up late three times to the event, they eventually kicked me out. I was half-hearted with the group, and so maybe this time around I can give it at least 80%.

Feeling like the winter blues are settling in, and am trying hard to fight it. Tomorrow, I have to get my registration renewed on my car, and get things out to the post office. It'll be a busy day for me as I end it with rehearsal.

C'est la vie!

Dress Rehearsal for life...

So before I start on what I really have to say, I have to get off my chest what has gone on for the last five minutes before I actually sat down to write this blog.....

I read my husbands blog...apparantly...in this house are three boxes of girl scout cookies.... now we all know my mishap with the attempted girl scout cookies on Friday, so to ACTUALLY have Girl Scout Samoas in this house right now....Ugh! Argh! GROWL!!!!

These are not sounds of madness because I don't want them in my house, I am not Betty Freaking' Crocker, or Martha Stewart in competition for who makes the best bakery items, I WANT THE DAMN GIRL SCOUT COOKIES.....

No, I don't know if I am more pissed at my hubby for not telling me he bought them today, esp. my favorite...the thin mints...

....The fact that I can't find the damn things, now that I know they are here....

Or all of the above as I am frantically looking through every cupboard, and part of the fridge, freezer, and cabinet, on the hunt to find them....

No happy ending here folks....I resort to my homemade ones, because my mouth is drooling like a fox seeing a bunny!

It serves its purpose enough to distract me enough to come and sit down and start writing....

For the DRESS REHEARSAL....

LOL...this isn't real. It's just a picture from one of those sites. I wish it were, as one of my friends is about to have her picture splashed all over Time square right now.

Have you ever had that moment when you said, if it happens for someone close to me, I will never get jealous, I will never let it affect me? "I will never".... well, I only got to the part of it...

So, this is all suffice to say, there is NO jealousy here, I am from the bottom of my heart happy and have planned on booking my tickets for opening weekend in support, so this is not about her fame and fortune, rather, my lack of commitment to anything solid....ok...

See, I was truly happy when her fame literally "hit the news".....I mean, I even got spammed with the news of this persons "arrival"... it doesn't get bigger then that...and I am so happy, because this person has been living this dream, and making it happen for a long time!

But I think back to the days when we were doing those fantasies together, and how we spilt apart, I chose a family, and to follow after my husbands career, the other chose a career.

Ok, so fast forward, and I am in a rehearsal for my own play, "community theatre", and today I am just having a horrible day. I come in and promise...no bitching today...

I try to imagine myself in a theatre on Broadway, and what it would be like there, right now, where my FRIEND is, we are simultaneously working, but on VERY different levels. Then I have to say to myself, maybe it goes back to my last blog, maybe it's just me, maybe I find sabotage in everything I do. I said I wasn't going to complain..and yet here I am....

So, here's my conclusion, I am going to sing my heart out, attend the rehearsals, do the best that I can, and when I close my eyes on stage, to do my bit lead role, I will imagine I am at the Shubert, making my own debut! And I will hear the applause and multiply times 100. Because, that's what I do, I am an actress, my world is my stage, and today is my dress rehearsal for the the rest of my life!

Random silliness...

You ever feel there is a correlation between your old life and your current new one? That sometimes no matter how you try to right the wrong, or fix what's broken or just change things in general, they just always stay the same?

Take your friends for example, ever tell yourself that you are bound and determined to drop the friends that treat you like crap, only to find new ones who do the exact same things to you? Only they have prettier faces, or sweeter smiles, or better clothes, it's like a wolf in sheep's clothing, the saying how..."leopards never change their spots"... and I always seem to find the relationships that are one sided, the ones that are one dimensional and are always based on the needs of others.

This is why I vowed to myself NOT to open myself up to Any friendships when I moved, because I draw myself to the center of the universe of other peoples worlds. And the first year that I moved here, was pretty torturous here. I don't fit in with "The housewives of Bentonville", and I am not a country girl, and the bottom line is that I am an eccentric person, and I can't apologize for that!

I will never change. I have been around for 30+ years. My friends that HAVE stuck around have come to either accept me or get past it, and I am who I am, what is so frustrating is that, friendship/relationships are a two way street. The more we move, the more I realize, I am better secluded to my boys. They drive me nuts, but at least they give me something in return.

I then have to ask myself, what am I giving to my friends/relationships in return? Probably a whole lot of grief, but that's because, when I feel my back's against the wall, I go into overdrive of wanting to feel this acceptance, this neediness, this callas person that I despise!

It's really all BS, I do the same thing with every relationship I have, I deliberately sabotage it, because it's easier to blame the other person then it is to find fault with myself, but the bottom line, I AM always right! (Mom, Ed, Mike...you three are the biggest ones that KNOW what I'm talkin' about)....(Sorry, there, I said it, I meant it! :)>.... )

Anyway...

this was really just a quest to search and rescue my own mind about random people circling my brain, and why I choose to allow them to rent space there. I believe my hearts in the right place, and when it's not, I feel people should be honest and forth right. Life's too short for crap. (mom, ed, mike, not talking about you here, your off the hook...)

Crap in general is crap!

In fact, I actually don't really care if I've pissed people off, because 9/10 times people are always pissing me off, and don't care about me, nor Ever apologize, and I am ALWAYS the one coming back on my hands and knees begging for people's forgiveness, and trying to change, and be the better person, and giving up my self, and so, going back to my 20-11 blog...the new me is saying, this is the year of me!

I am giving into my own person, and being the person I want to be, the person that that I know I can, and trying DAMN hard to no longer let people walk all over me.

Now, if you'll excuse, would you please step off my back, and help me up, so I can actually stand up and walk away? Thanks....

SNOW DAY!!!

We got 3 inches. The entire city shut down. I mean, Mike told me, even Coca-Cola was closed today! Seriously? I cleaned the house yesterday from top to bottom, finally put all the Christmas decorations away...I know...only 18 days late, but hey this is a record for me, it was done before Valentine's day this year, so a pat on the back for me! Then I realized I should of waited until today, being shut in with nothing to do leads to only one thing...BAKING!..wait..no two things..surging the net...

and these are two VERY bad things....so back to eBay...bid on things I don't need, find a recipe, make some very tasteless sugar free brownies for the boys, throw in some spinach, banana's, oatmeal...I know, this all sounds very gross, but top it off with tootsie rolls and sprinkles and this 160 calorie brownie packed with fiber and veggies now becomes a luxurious treat the kids are eating all day long! I taste it...not SO bad...the tootsie rolls have melted to create a caramel layer on top, they spice up the dryness of the recipe since it's an egg white, sugarless, 2/3 cup wheat flour recipe....hey, when you are inside and baking...you require the need for some calorie cutting...and nutrition, so the kids are not bouncing off the walls... LITERALLY!

I put Zachary down for a nap and Landon and I work on his piano lesson. I am a beaming proud mother, teaching him his piano. He is picking it up so fast, but I see he has his time limit so I end it before he loses interest and we head downstairs to begin getting dressed to go outside. This will be at least an hour ordeal...

OK, so Landon wants to go outside to build a snowman....

I shovel the driveway, Landon and Zachary proceed to drive their bikes in the snow...get stuck...

they get their jeeps...get stuck...

they get their motorized trucks.....get stuck...

finally Landon sees some kids on a sleigh getting pulled cross country style down the road and asks me to pull them around the block...

Here comes my exercise for the day.. I am actually pretty excited about this....

By the fourth turn around the block, I am huffing, this looked easier in my head....not sure how I am going to make it the rest of the way. suddenly the sled is lighter...Zachary is face forward in the snow...Landon got up....

Landon takes the sleigh..Zachary is screaming..."I cold..I vet mama"...

Poor little guy...

Landon takes over for about three minutes before he gives up and says he's tired, "hold Zachary mom, he's too heavy," then a minute later, "just pull the sleigh and hold Zachary, I'm walking home!" Geesh...this kid, don't know where he ever gets this attitude from...LOL...definately not from me...LOL!

The California boy (Zachary has had enough), and The Michigan boy (Landon) are cold and want to take a rest....so....

Come home, finish the driveway, kids go inside, watch T.V, I clean up outside, come in, have a glass of wine...I mean it's almost 4pm at this point...decide about what to cook for dinner, clean up the inside before Mike gets home and realize, they canceled school tomorrow!

Wait...WHAT?!?

I mean really people....!!!!

It is at this moment I begin to shake my head,the boy's have now started screaming at each other, Zachary has broken the leg off the trampoline, the play room is trashed, I walk into my room and apparently they found the hidden box of Lego's which are now scattered all over the floor, Landon has dumped out the toy box and immersed himself in it.

I pour myself another glass of wine and think about how to plan out another fun filled day for tomorrow...maybe we can get that snowman built tomorrow!

Chuck E. Cheese and a Date with my son....

The day started off this morning with my husband and I separating the kids for some quality bonding experience.

This can either go one of two ways, REALLY GOOD, or REALLY BAD!

Mike had it planned out for Landon to go with him to the basketball ball game but Landon seemed like he needed some "mommy" time, so he requested to stay with me today. I was cool with that....

He said..."Mommy, you promised to teach me piano", (I did), and you promised to take me to Chuck E. Cheese, (again, I did). This kid has an impeccable memory.

You see, for Christmas my mom got him this job chart, because at school he was given "jobs" like the to tell the weather, and he loved it so much, I thought it would be a great way for him to start learning responsibility around the house. It's worked to a default. Nothing works short of bribery when it comes to a 5 year old. Each week we pick out his jobs for the the week, things he can handle on a daily basis, and yes, brushing his teeth and making his bed, are one of those jobs! Hey, we said baby steps here.....at the end of the week, if he has finished his "jobs", he is rewarded with $5 spending money at Fastlane. (an upgraded version of Chuck E. Cheese ~ with go- karts, laser tag, bowling...)

Although today he realised he still had about $20 in tokens left from his birthday last year from Chuck E. Cheese, so he asked to go there instead.... (after our lesson of course), smart kid, I got duped here!

Up the stairs to the music room/office we go....the kid is a natural, he found all the C's, and was able to play Mary had a little lamb....sort of.....So Monday I think he's ready for me to buy him his first lesson book! I am so excited! I never wanted to push it on my kids, and the fact that he has been asking me to teach him is like a dream....

So we get to C.E.C, it's just us and about three other kids for the first HOUR....and as you may have noted with my status updates, I pose this question....

...is it so ethically wrong that in the morning, when they turn on the machines, all these tickets pop out, clearly no one is going for the tickets, and three kids have walked by and didn't notice them, so I took 'em, I mean, what else is a mom to do, let them go to waste?

It's now lunch time and I call Mike to see if he wants to meet up but Landon just wants to eat pizza and the cheese off the salad bar, so we do, and he does. I hate to admit that it's one of the best salad bars I've seen in this area...which isn't sayin' much...but I was happy to oblige. Landon is sitting so great waiting for his pizza, I compliment him on how well he's done, when Chuck comes out and his cute little assistant screams, "who wants free tickets, follow me", so we follow...again, FREE!!! I mean c'mon, I just spent $17 for a personal pan pizza and a salad!

So Landon joins the group, and the girl tries to show the kids how to do the Cupid shuffle, and they are all just standing there looking at her...well...duh...Chuck E. is doing it great, and Landon leans over and whispers to the girl, and I ask her what he said..."Should I just watch you, or follow you"....I'm not sure of her answer because Landon then just sat and clapped his hands and watched her shake her little 15 year old booty.....THAT'S MY BOY!!!! I'm sure my husband would have been saying....I on the other hand was having a heart break..... he's growing up to fast.

So they throw up the tickets in the air and the kids are just standing there, um...maybe someone should have told them it was OK to grab them....they finally do, Landon got an extra 13...he tells the girl..."Thanks for Dancing!" I swear, I can't make up what comes out of this kids mouth....

We sit back down and pizza comes, he scarf's it down, I am amazed, as I am sitting in disbelief at the middle aged father in the next booth holding his 2 year old daughter, rockin' out and singing to Miley Cyrus..."Party in the USA". Do I really need to explain this one?....!

OK, maybe he wants to share some of her Salvia on the next round too...Sorry, distasteful, but couldn't resist....the whole image in my head was distasteful....

MOVING ON.....I proceed to reward Landon with another $5 in coins, partially because I am at an uneven number of tickets and I really want to get over 200, he just wants to play in the slide area, so I proceed to try and win another 50 tickets by myself...now whose the weirdo!

All eyes on me!

We move to the mall, I find a dress for my niece whose winter formal is in a couple of weeks and she asked me to help her find a dress. One of the many things I miss about being so far away from my girls. She had her eyes on a dress of mine, but it was a little to "old" for her, plus the fact that I wasn't 100% keen on lending a $300 dress out to 15 year old for the evening, LOVE HER, but don't really trust it will come back in one piece. SO, BCBG makes a cheaper version of the same dress and it's got a slightly different bottom that I think is more age appropriate, so I went and got it for her today. Except it doesn't fit me, but I know it will fit her, she hasn't been sitting on her "bottom" for two weeks feeling sorry for herself because she gave up an addiction!

Despite the fact that Landon is pulled through the store and racks of dresses, he's still acting like a champ, I give him a toy to pick out to play with and and option for Zachary, which track suit to buy, he holds on to both of them and decides at the last minute which one he likes. The green Puma....

We get in the car and head home, Landon is passed out....it's now almost 3 and we have been out almost all day. I am amazed at how great he's been!

Head home, start dinner, I am excited...homemade spaghetti and meatballs...sauce included...I really outdid myself this time....we have no Parmesan cheese so I call the neighbor and borrow some from her...it's expired! I don't care, I eat it anyway, Mike opts out...so far I'm doing fine....

Cleaning up the kitchen I knock over the whole container of leftovers of spaghetti and meatballs. It's now all over the floor. It looks like a CSI Miami crime scene investigation is going on in my kitchen, only the body has been removed from the scene.

I want to scream, but I clean it up, then go in the bedroom and put on my workout video and dance out my aggression for the next 20 minutes!

Time for Landon to go to bed, Zachary's been sleeping, I think...Mike's watching football...and I am just trying to get through another night....

I don't want to replace my old addictions with a new one, but I am falling into a habit that if I don't CHANGE, then the desire is strong...the first week I avoided it by going to bed at like 7:30 every night, the second week I was car shopping..this week, I have been on my computer, surfing the social network...and ebaying!!!!

Anyway...that's all folks...a day in the life of city girl....wasn't much...but wait...I actually had fun...because regardless of where I was today...it was all about spending some quality time with my son, and that's what made today so GREAT! So bearable, that I could have been anywhere....

The 11th year of 2000...

The 11th year of 2000...20-11, as the trend is referring to it...

I ran twice today. I haven't run this much in almost a year, since I was training to go to France, which is really a joke because I was only training to run 5 miles with my dear friend just to keep her company. I wussed out on her 15 mile run because on our 5 mile run... by mile 3 my knee gave out, I sort of jogged the rest of the way, and the next day, by the time we got to Paris I was limping so bad, I was in so much pain, the thought of even climbing the Eiffel tower frightened me. But I was at my thinnest this time last year, and it's because I was on a strict protocol of diet and exercise. This year, I promise myself that I am doing this for me. So, I have spent the last two weeks in a rut, feeling sorry for myself, and now it's time to move on, accept change and embrace the good I am doing for my mind, body, soul and most importantly, health....

OK....

So after the summer was so crazy last year 2010:

July: Trips to New York, New Jersey, California, Florida (The Boy's FIRST DISNEY Trip), Ohio...and yes, this was ALL in one month....

August: Started school, Zachary celebrated his 2nd birthday, my nephew celebrated his 5th birthday, Saw Michelle (my oldest and dearest friend) in Kansas City (I think it was this month...I'm so confused on the time frame)

September: Still in school, baseball games, Tulsa, Kansas City again, 2 of my nieces birthday's (ONE TURNED 15!!!!!), kind of a blah month other then that....

October....pretty crazy: We had our Charity auction for school, Mike's birthday, I quite my job, Landon changed schools, Zachary is now at home with me, we went to Dallas, I auditioned for a National commercial for "Cotton", I joined that choir at church, I joined the BV Players community theatre group

November: Started rewriting the Christmas play for BV Players, started rehearsals for Christmas show, another of my nieces birthday, Thanksgiving, decorated the house for Christmas, Folks came to visit, went on the Polar Express for Christmas season, Debuted my vocal talent at church for Talent showcase, sang a solo at mass for the first time, began rehearsals for Christmas midnight mass, began rehearsals for my solo piece for midnight Christmas mass, play dates for Landon, The Little Gym for Zachary

December: Mom's birthday, "The Selfish Elf", Date night with the neighbors, Date night with the hubby, Mike's Christmas party, Car breaks down, Landon's Birthday Party, Landon's Christmas program at school, Zachary's final performance at "the Little Gym" before winter break, (He loves to hang like a monkey...), start the car shopping experience, Christmas, Setting up "Santa", Midnight Mass", Solo...Success..., Christmas...FANTASTIC!....Trip to Ohio....FUN!, Ice Skating, Shopping, Zoo, Birthday's, My niece's Birthday, Landon's Birthday, Church, getting lost in the GHETTO!!!!!!, Spending time with the family, actually enjoying the time with the family....., getting my hair done, Mike went to Detroit, took care of the MI house, sent out Christmas cards, celebrated the New year, came home.

JANUARY: Looking for new car!

Looking for New job!

Looking for new body!

Looking for new peace of mind!

It's been a year since my dear friend Gretchen past away, on that same day, I found out a very dear friend of mine lost her mother. In the last two years I dealt with so much loss I can't even conceive the possibility of having it come close to me as losing a parent, although each loss was as great in my heart as if it were a sibling or closer. Esp, the case with Jeannie, this death was so sudden and so heart breaking, I felt I lost my grandmother all over again, and as devastating as this was, I can't imagine the pain my friend must be enduring as these are one notch removed from the mother that bore you in the womb.

My heart goes out to those that have lost a parent, I can't even conceive the loss, or the pain. I can only hope the ease and comfort comes with knowing that what they are doing in heaven with God is great, and we will one day soon know that greatness. It's our reward. Our riches, for the pain we might have had to endure here on earth.

With that said, take each day as a gift, never take it for granted, and always take it as an opportunity to live it as you see fit according to your dream. The way I see it, Each day we live is a a day closer to our death, and the more time we waste is the more time we have to answer to God for why we didn't work on perfecting the talent's and gifts He gave us. I mean really, it's all in our hands, we just have to figure out how it was meant to be used, and for what purpose.

My heart is breaking for a certain someone and their family right now, and they know who they are, and all my love, and prayers and thoughts are with them. Mike and I love you so much!

ok..

I have spent the better part of my time since I left my job trying to figure out what I want to do with my time and ironically these opportunities keep falling into my lap. Directing jobs, paying jobs, volunteers jobs, jobs that land me in the newspaper....

And the bottom line, is that each job has finally fulfilled me, I haven't found fault, or ill-contempt with each position as I normally do, I am actually happy to be doing the things I have been granted, however small or tedious the task. For I see, that they have been given to me as a gift, and I am embracing them.....

I don't have a New Years resolution, but I do see a pattern emerging already, to accept the things that can not change, to embrace the things that are given to me, and the wisdom to the know the difference!

Welcome 20-11, the 11th year of 2000. 2-11...I accept the change you bring, the year of a new decade, the year of a new me...

13 days and counting....

13 days into the new year....

13 days with out a cigarette.....

I'd like to say 13 days without wine, but I've gone only maybe 10...

13 days of eating greens, fasting, and drinking at least 100 oz of water a day....

13 days of sitting on the couch having no motivation to do anything.....

So....seriously, whoever said that quitting smoking and going on a cleanse was going to make me feel better totally lied, I can't find the motivation to get my butt into any routine. I was much more active when I was smoking, and drinking, and living life on the edge!

I've gained weight, despite the fact that my husband went and bought us and exercise video for us to do every night, and so now, I am slowly finding myself the past two nights in a fit of frenzy trying to get through the "three miles" at home walk.

I can do this....I just need to dive into rehearsals which start today and keep myself busy. Keep my mind occupied. It was so easy last week when I was car shopping, I was out all day, didn't think about anything, went to the gym in the morning, then off to look at cars, this week...LAZY!!!

So.....here's to motivation.....let's find it.

Let's get it!

I refuse to let this get the better of me.....

...and I refuse to be like Mike eating dessert everyday as my replacement for my smokes. Although it doesn't help when he calls and asks to take me lunch on the days I commit to dieting, I can never refuse a meal and a dessert!

Ok, kids are begging for attention now, so off to get some milk for them, and make some breakfast.....

It been awhile....

I realize that once I start something it's quite often left by the wayside. As I write this, my husband is complaining because he's been blogging, in journal form, for the last 8 days, as a quest to document our life for our children. It's something we started to do when Landon was in the womb. We got through his first year of life and never wrote in it since. Sad, I know. Zachary, officially got about three pages, and now I can't even find his journal. So, we aren't the best parents ever, but we try!

So he wants to be the only "blogger" in the family. Funny. What I keep trying to tell him are that my blogs consist of what life is like here in Arkansas. So let the war of the blogs begin....

(hee-hee. this is why I love my husband so much, we have silly little battles to keep our life fun and light....)

What's new in AR?

Point 1: Word is spreading like wildfire that we are having a little girl. This has become an embarrassing situation, as Landon for the past two months has been telling everyone that he's getting a baby sister named Molly and can't wait for her to get here.

I AM NOT PREGNANT!! But, my little 5 year old boy has been praying to Jesus every night to bring him a little sister, and can't understand why she just isn't here yet. Needless to say, when he talks to people, it's already a done deal, and so here come the snarls and stares from everyone wondering. Esp. now that I quit smoking, and was going through a detox from drinking my wine from the holidays, everyone noticed.... and all I am trying to accomplish is losing some holiday weight and cleansing....

This of course poses the question, that maybe baby Lawson #3 might be up for discussion....not now...but at least the ice is broken, and we don't have the heart to break the heart of our 5 year old kid at the moment. Esp, when he prays for "Molly" every night.... melts my heart, but I am still weary of having three kids under the age of 6 living in this house at the moment. It's a bit chaotic already....as I always say, God has a plan, so my new attitude is to roll with it.

Point 2: Since I have quit my job, I have branched out and freelancing has become quite a wonderful opportunity for me. I have been in the Arkansas Democrat Gazette Newspaper TWICE for both projects I have worked on, and now I have a second call back for a play on Monday for a community theatre.

I actually got a call from the director to "please come and audition", and I almost felt as if I had been bold enough to request a lead, it would've been granted, but there were some pretty great gals at the rehearsal, and quite honestly, I am trying to figure out if I have the time to fit this into my crazy schedule right now at all. I never thought there'd be a day when I was considering turing down roles. But, that day has arrived, and I am very conflicted. I haven't acted in quite some time, but again, it's time consuming and I've got a family to consider here, as I just left them for three weeks in December for the last show I did, and now once a month, doing it again to them....just things to ponder....

I have been so busy since I quite working, so much for that "staying home thing". I have been working more hours then when I was actually working, and most of it's volunteer, so if now we can find some work that we can put a paycheck to, that would be great....

Leading to Point 3: I DISLIKE car shopping in Arkansas. In fact, this is a whole other blog in itself. Suffice to say, one week later, still haven't found a car, ended up calling Michigan to try and buy the car up there, and since we still own a home there, its all perfectly legal for me to do this, and then transfer the plates when I get back down here to Arkansas. My point is, all I keep hearing about is, taxes here, taxes there, bottom line, lets add another $100 payment to have you own a vehicle in Arkansas. NOW....you all know my track record with living in one place for too long, so now I have to sacrifice my hard earned dollar and give allegiance to ARKANSAS for the next 5 YEARS? yea, I don't think so.....Back to Michigan we go, and in 2 hours I was able to get the deal I wanted on the car I wanted, OVER THE PHONE, and when I explained this to my dealers here in AR, I got a big fat....then go for it!!!!

Again, this is all a blog for another day.

So, next time, I shall give you the overhaul year in review like I have done in the past, but for now, let's just say. WELCOME BACK!!!