Baby pictures, my first play I ever wrote, The first essay I ever wrote on a dot-matrix computer about my grandfather, it was entitled "Manny & the Great Depression", trinkets, letters, cards, Newspaper articles of every show I had ever done in every state I lived in, Achievement awards for my teaching degree, Letters of recommendation, pictures of my sister's First Communion in front our our house in Florida before there was even a neighborhood, Legal Documents, Love letters, parking tickets from our first "real date"... tickets from my son's first movie, a book my mom gave me when I first became a mom, magazine's that highlighted articles of my grandfather, my very dear friend's "funeral program"...., The first evaluation I received as a teacher, written by this very dear friend that passed away....
The list goes on.....It was my life, and it was buried, but not by my own doing....it was mistakenly thrown away. And for the past 48 hours I felt like I have grieved my own death.
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In fact, the harder I try, the more easier it is to forget the things contained in that bag, for it has now been another 24 hours since the last sentence, and I understand the 5 stages of grief, I feel numb now....
There was a red folder, from Cardinal Gibbons, (which I find so funny, as I nor did, any of my family go there...so why I had the folder is beyond me....) but it contained the aforementioned story I had written about my Grandfather when I was in 5th grade. A story about his life during the "Great Depression", and how things were simple, easy and well....routine.
I had started to blog this story, I don't know if I had ever finished writing it down, I remember how tired I was that night, and thought I would finish writing it later, I now have to check, if so, part of that 23 year old paper is archived....
Again in that folder was a ribbon I had received for a project I had done for "science fair", I know I had won, and for the life of me, can't remember for what, I did it three years in a row, but all I know is, the ribbon I had finally received!
I had also saved a magazine from the first school of performing arts I had ever reviewed, and with that, the application I never got to send. My Father had fallen ill with cancer that year and I chose to apply for a scholarship to a local university so I could be home with my mom and dad while he went through a difficult time. It was a reminder to me not to ever lose sight of my dreams, and passion. That my life may not be on the path I always dreamed of, but I am still doing things that would make that "little girl" inside so proud.
That folder also contained my first play I had ever written....it was on a dot-matrix printer.... similarly, because of the old computer system, I didn't know how to save anything, so I used it as a type writer.....write..print...delete.....
It was a fantastic story of a girl going through life's little challenges as her sister is off to her "wedded bliss" and her brother goes to college....she's left at the roost, and in the end, finds her own true love, her own true happiness... ~ Mind you, I don't remember how old I was exactly when I wrote this, but even then I was a big dreamer, the girl getting the guy, finding true love... It also was the first time I realized I dream in fiction....that my life is one big story...every day a new chapter....every moment the next page...what plot twist will be revealed? What new hardship will be encountered? What achievements will be celebrated? What joyous occasion will be forever cherished.......
So I knew then, I was going to be in the theatre, film....whatever, but at that point, my name was going to be in lights....
I have come to the point in my life where I have seen my name in lights...it may not have been over "Broadway", or "Hollywood Blvd.", but it was there.....
It was also there every time I looked into the eyes of a student that thanked me for helping to develop their own talents, or pull out the part of them hidden so deep they felt they had nothing to share (only to find this great buried gift within themselves).... I felt the warmth of the lights every time I hugged a child in desperate need, or for no reason at all.....Those are the lights that Broadway can't ever give me, and yet these things were all reminders to me in that little red folder I held onto for all my life....
I suppose this "purging" of things...the cards, the letters...the first note my husband ever wrote to me...were all just "things".....despite the papers that were legally important....
The documents of my son's "school abuse" case against his
pre-school teacher....Moving documents, birth certificates, bank account information...BLANK CHECKS!! (gasp)....
while my husband said that the book on my son was the best thing that was thrown away, I have to disagree, I didn't keep it as a reminder, but as proof, It was all we had, and should the situation ever arise again, I wanted to be armed...ready...but I can't now...and maybe in some way...it's God's way of finally telling me to "let it go"...
I have felt that when you come to this point in your life...
"your enlightenment"...as a catholic we believe this is your moment of clarity...the moments of when your "heaven" is awaiting you.... I am hoping for my children's sake, it isn't, I am hoping it is a wake up call...
I feel my journey is not yet complete, that I have more work to do, but I guess it's not for me to decide...it's all part of God's plan...so I have to trust, and put my faith in the fact that this lesson, as hard as it was to learn, is a lesson on humility, and simplicity....kind of like that paper I wrote those many years ago....
With the good things that were tossed...my baby pictures..pictures of my sister's first communion....pictures of my family in our first home....me...graduating High School...pictures from High School...my trip to New York with my "Bin" and brother...my first child's birth, our first football game...my little "Alina"...my grandparents....
also, were tossed the bad....pictures of New york... (we got robbed), the paper I wrote about my own experience of being raped for my psychology class in college, the documentation of my son and his "horrible experience", cards from people I probably should've gotten rid of years ago...(no not ex-boyfriends.... :)....
And then there were the things that served as accomplishments...Newspaper articles written about me, Brochures that I was featured in for our old school in Florida...Newspapers with all the info. for shows I had done.... ALL the PROGRAMS of every show I had done!!!!
...two night ago, out of anger and rage, I emptied out my closets, drawers..."purged" myself even further of things I needed to get rid of but just couldn't...this "ripping off the band-aid" effect allowed me to to cleanse....despite the fact that I wasn't ready nor even in the frame of mind to do so....
And while the items that are lost, are lost forever....and can NEVER be replaced, as the bag had a "priceless" value tag on it... and no matter how hard I pleaded with the waste management company to let me go to the site and dig through the bags...I got nowhere... I guess I really do live in a movie..I totally thought I was going to do this...that they'd let me...Maybe it would make for a great "lifetime" story....
So....Mike....I forgive you...I am sorry it had to be in this venue...and I will tell you in person...but I had to get it all out before I can finally say those last words...because the pain was so deep, that if I didn't finally come out with what I really wanted to say, then It would have all been for nothing...and the lesson never learned, and then this truly would have been my obituary....
I must say...while I am still sad and cry from time to time, for this loss was so great, it made me realize that in the end, it's good to toss your life in the garbage...it keeps the blood flowing and brings life back into your veins that were lacking oxygen because of all the "stuff" clogging it....
It made me see, that my little world is not as bad as it seems and so many others out there are suffering through worse things than I am at the moment....and for today...since this "page" is good, I will help them, until the next storm is written into our chapter.....
"This is where the healing begins...this is where the healing starts, when you come to where you're broken within, the light meets the dark...." ~ Tenth Ave North
